#1
#1

We used to ride our bikes fast. Really fast. Down the hill by my house and up the other side then up another until we reached your grandparents mansion way up high.
And we'd lay each other down in the grass in the back and wish we could see over the trees that surrounded us and we talked about bigger things and listened to little things
like the creek that cooled the earth
and the emissions from the dirt
and the wishes that didn't hurt

If I could take anything back it would be you.


II.


Christ, Jesus. Your test begins in 3, 2, 1, blast off. We did it. Sweaty high fives. Glossy eyes. I hope they make it home alive.


C.

Wednesday.
Trash Night

I waited until four in the morning to climb quietly out of bed, to slip silently down the stairs, and to squeeze slowly through the front door, scared to open it all the way. To glide across the lawn, grass glassy with dew, reflecting moon and street light upon my fleeting figure. Reached the foot of the driveway and took off the lid to bury it under the weeks newspaper and junk mail to be taken away by a rusty truck under a new rising sun. Maybe I should have burned it. Maybe that would have been too simple. Crickets slept, a siren wept and then left, leaving me with an old friend.
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Dec 3, 2008,
#2
first readthrough. So far only thing i didn't like is stanza II. I'll hit this up again later, need to read a few more times
#3
I didn't like II either. It seemed very out of place, and I can't figure out what it is saying, truly.

The rest was very good. I liked almost everything about it. Some of the rhyming parts bugged me, but they were solid. It came down to my personal taste. The only other noticeable thing that stuck out to me as..."bad" was the "way up high" clause in the first stanza. I felt like it made the sentence too long and it ended it on a strange note.

Other than that, great piece. It was a very smooth piece. The syntax itself was enjoyable, forget what was being said, though it was swell as well.
#4
I really liked it, and unlike the others, I enjoyed the second stanza. Each separate part (I and III were at least a little linked, but II was out of place slightly) flowed very, very well, and with the intricate half rhymes and illiteration, it was a very technically (can I say that?) enjoyable read for me.

Sure, its not perfect, but I don't think I can really help you here, its out of my comfort zone of something I can help you with.

So take my good words, and wrap yourself up for the winter, its getting cold outside, and I can't afford the heating anymore.
#5
#1

We used to ride our bikes fast. Really fast. Down the hill by my house and up the other side
then up another until we reached your grandparents mansion way up high.
"up another" was left hanging and created a pause where you didn't really need a pause. Close the subject off in a more round fashion, will make the read that bt smoother.
And we'd lay each other down in the grass in the back and wish we could see over the trees that surrounded us and we talked about bigger things and listened to little things
Eh, "things" is a dull word.
like the creek that cooled the earth
and the emissions from the dirt
and the wishes that didn't hurt

If I could take anything back it would be you.


II.


Christ, Jesus. Your test begins in 3, 2, 1, blast off. We did it. Sweaty high fives. Glossy eyes. I hope they make it home alive.

It's like the part of a film that feels like it flew past the climax.

Because we really have no idea what this is about.



C.

Wednesday.
Trash Night

I waited until four in the morning to climb quietly out of bed, to slip silently down the stairs, and to squeeze slowly through the front door, scared to open it all the way. To glide across the lawn, grass glassy with dew, reflecting moon and street light upon my fleeting figure. Reached the foot of the driveway and took off the lid to bury it under the weeks newspaper and junk mail to be taken away by a grumbling grumpy truck eh, grumbling grumpy seemed like immature use of alliteration for alliterations sake. would have been too simple. Crickets slept, a siren wept and then left, leaving me with an old friend.

Feel that you possibly let the language get away from you here, focusing on that too much rather than the message you wanted to get across.


I know it's only one of the first few I've read of yours, but you have easy potential. however I think there were several inadequacies here that I would tak eit upon yourself to build on; working in theme throughout the piece, consistency of style and tone, and also being a lot stricter on yourself whilst editing. I feel there was some stuff here that you weren't brave enough to cut.

Jimi.
#6
yeah. I think you're right a bout everything jamie. Thanks a lot. I'll work on this.

I feel there was some stuff here that you weren't brave enough to cut.

very good observation. Same with the grumbling grumpy thing. I'll probably change that.

Thanks everyone else too. As you seem to have noticed, these weren't written at the same time. They were written about the same thing/person and I thought maybe it would work in a wierd way to put them together. I guess not like I hoped. I didn't really think about it much. They were all just written in sequence in a notebook. Thank you alll for your opinions. I hope to make this better, it means a lot to me (it's kind of personal). Especially the last part.

The middle was a wierd thought about how people just let go of good things like friends when another good thing comes along.

The last is about being scared of stuff. But I won't get into much detail about it. That's a very general term.

Thanks again guys.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
****, this is scary, man. The oddity and disambiguation is really stark and seriously enviable. I can't stop reading it. There has been few pieces that I have ever read that will make me want to go back and back and back like this had. It's so intense that you feel a necessity to return to it, just to make sure that what you were feeling was a reality and not just you being high while listening to Jefferson Airplane in the dark caddlelight.

This, overal, is just gorgeous writing. One of the most uncontained and unadulterated pieces I've ever read, period.
#8
Gosh. I'm really happy that you liked it. Thanks you so much for your comments. They mean a lot.

And jefferson airplane is awesome
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me