#1
blood fanned out all over the floor
a kenmore roared in the corner
where her head was kicked back,
the man was a bit insecure.

through a rack,
clear view of this girl
twirling like a power string
hanging down from a ceiling fan.

so many things i wanted to pull
just to feel dizzy
while looking up
instead of down for once.

stumbled into position.
pulling at a tag nervously,
she was eyeing me.
two fumbled motions.

cleared my throat,
and stepped outside for a smoke.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Nov 28, 2008,
#2
momentary thought - i love how the end of your pieces always ties in with your sig.

But anyway, I liked this, finally. I didn't get lost in the imagery, and it was vague, but good vague, not your usual "umm, ok, yeah..."

I can't think of much more to say right now, but maybe i'll come back if i can think of anything. But here's a friendly bump anyways
#3
- "so many things i wanted to pull
just to feel dizzy
while looking up
instead of down for once. "

- I don't feel the line breaks work very well here, personally.

Overall, I agree with the Kyle about how enjoyably vague it is. It did take me quite a few reads to find a particular meaning that made sense and was actually important or relevant.

The flow of this made it very difficult to fully connect to in an emotional sense. For instance, "where her head was kicked back,
the man was a bit insecure.

through a rack,"

- Very difficult to read, for me anyway.

Argh, I'm so tired, I can't do this right now. I'll try and return to this when I feel more sturdy. It has bumped politely for now.
#5
just to feel dizzy
while looking up
instead of down for once.

I liked it all, but this stanza was by far my favourite. These lines will be bouncing around in my mind for weeks to come..and i feel thats what makes great lyrics, because it means so many things to so many people.
Loved it.
Last edited by SpellItWrong at Nov 30, 2008,
#6
I don't know what else to say other than that I really enjoyed it.
Quite like what kdownes said, it's vague in a good way.
Keep writing, please. =]
KatehMonster
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just because you're a girl and you get more pussy than me doesn't give you the right to brag.
#8
- "so many things i wanted to pull
just to feel dizzy
while looking up
instead of down for once. "

Weak.

The rest is lovely.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
very very good
not much else to say , sorry

C4C?? (see sig)
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals