#1
Wrote this on a whim in about 20 minutes. its not perfected at all yet, so I'd like some helpful feedback. I'm not much of a lyricist so this is my foray into this realm. The song is sang with a jack johnson esque feel.

Verse 1:
In a room far away from here
Cross the restaurant down the street
The old green furniture is no longer quite so neat

The air is filled with pity
and the baby's began to cry
no matter how much they fight they don't know how they're here or why

Chorus:
The mother's got no modesty
the father's got no strength
their relationship is built on lies
they both said unwillingly

They work against each other
as often as they can
but their feelings take over and they're
back at the beginning again

Verse 2:
The husbands slowly losing it
from the whining of his wife
and the wife's been suicidal since their last big fight

there ain't nowhere to go to
in the city that they live in
the buildings trapped their minds they'll never be themselves again

Chorus:
The mother's got no modesty
the father's got no strength
their relationship is built on lies
they both said unwillingly

They work against each other
as often as they can
but their feelings take over and they're
back at the beginning again
MY GEAR-
Epiphone Les Paul Custom
Roland Cube 15
Alverez/Yairi 1995 YM-1
Ovation Celebrity
Peavey Classic 30
Electro Harmonix Big Muff USA Reissue

My myspace. Yeah. I know it sucks.
#2
I like it, it sounds like alot of marriages I see around here. the only thing I'd change is in verse two just change 'the wife's' to 'she's' and it seems like it will fit better. That's just my opinion, it's good though.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#3
thanks man. And I do think that that sounds better. I felt like I was using a word too much, but I wasn't sure what it was. That seems to get it!
MY GEAR-
Epiphone Les Paul Custom
Roland Cube 15
Alverez/Yairi 1995 YM-1
Ovation Celebrity
Peavey Classic 30
Electro Harmonix Big Muff USA Reissue

My myspace. Yeah. I know it sucks.
#4
Yeah any time, man. If you got the time, please check out mine, "Fly Away." It's still on top page.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#5
I like the idea behind the song itself. It brings something into the picture that can be found in most homes these days.

The only problem I have revolve around your spelling of things.
Ex:
"The air is filled with pity
and the baby's began to cry
no matter how much they fight they don't know how they're here or why"

In this one it's the word "baby's". I think you mean 'baby' or 'babies'? I don't know. I'm kinda spelling/grammar freak.

The use of "suicidal" seemed a bit blunt, but it's perfectly fine for the feel you're going with.
Very well done. =]
KatehMonster
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just because you're a girl and you get more pussy than me doesn't give you the right to brag.
#6
what I was going for was that their one baby was beginning to cry. and I said the baby's began to cry. but I'm not an English major so I won't hold it against you. Thanks for the positive review of the lyrics!
MY GEAR-
Epiphone Les Paul Custom
Roland Cube 15
Alverez/Yairi 1995 YM-1
Ovation Celebrity
Peavey Classic 30
Electro Harmonix Big Muff USA Reissue

My myspace. Yeah. I know it sucks.
#7
Right on. =]
It works then and it's fine.
You're quite welcome.
KatehMonster
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
Dude, if you were a lesbian asking out another lesbian in a man forum we would be going crazy too.
Quote by zerosystem
just because you're a girl and you get more pussy than me doesn't give you the right to brag.