#1
My concussion-tough monk grunted,
“Tears have no place among
the spiritual this and collective that.
They are like rain drops
staining the sky and the sun
of which you must never tire.”
I understood,
dogma was not for me,
so I left the temple.

I went to Dead Leaf Lake
to look in its reflection.
The sky was beautiful
but so were the clouds,
their grays and whites
mixed like marble cake.
The sun pained my eyes.
I walked away
out of disrespect for humanity
when I heard an infant cry somewhere.

There were dried worms
littered across a slab of sidewalk
along which I walked.
The mangled curlicues
made me think:
They came out for the rain
but were burned by the sun.
Neither was better than the other,
they killed the worms together.

It began to rain again,
I hoped the worms would
rehydrate and live
to see one last sunrise.

A shirt lay on a park bench
but I left it there, untouched, wet.
I wondered what that said about me.
Maybe it meant something,
maybe it was poetic.
Those thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone.

Somehow I ended up contemplating
whether or not we are in the space age.
Stranger still, I finished by concluding
“I’d rather die than see you with another man”
applies to ex-loves and mothers’ sons.

I realized I was thinking in curlicues
so I continued to do so:
Where did my thoughts go?
How did they get there?
What is it like there?
Why do tears have no place
among the world?
Isn’t it a sad place?
Isn’t that unfair?
My thoughts kept evaporating,
but it kept raining.

Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Nov 29, 2008,
#2
I really like the 2nd to last stanza, the final 2 lines of it are just plain good. The stanzas have little connection between them, and I get the feeling that that's the point you're aiming for, but maybe a little more transition between them would help the whole thing flow a little smoother.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17377903 or https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17353105 if you want
#5
Bloody brilliant.
I f'in loved this, I feel brashness and absurdity is very much required, and there is only one way for me to describe this, and that's by turning into a big floppy dic (I don't have far to go) so... ROCK ON!

It was the first two verses that really settled me neatly into this. Without those preoccupying and glorious stanzas, I would not of connected with this to the extent that I did. The philosophies I read from this were so expansive - and I don't mean that in a pretentious way - that I couldn't help but enjoy the multitude of ideas that poked out from within the remaining sections. Simple but great writing.

I'm sure I'll come back to this and not enjoy as much as did - I know that sounds insulting, but this often happens - but I believe, very much so, in going with your gut and first strong feeling and this struck me with that and I'm sticking with it... for now.
#6
I like this I especially like the bit about the shirt on the park bench. I smirked a bit at that. This flows very well. Kudos.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


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Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#7
i'm not up for a full crit, but maybe i can stop by later and give the full piece consideration, for now i'll just address the ending since you said you were unsure about it. i wasn't a fan of the pop psychology/existentialism in the last stanza to be honest, now, don't misinterpret that as me saying i don't like the idea, i think poetry is nothing but vapid without inklings of philosophy in it, but i feel like you're way too blunt in flat out telling us what you want us to understand. subtlety is a beautiful thing. i think the thing that really irks me most about the list of questions is that most of them have been hinted at and danced around throughout the piece and it feels like you got to the end and got worried your readers would be too stupid to catch the themes and ideas you're trying to convey, so you'd thought you'd lay them down plainly so we'd get it, but i'd picked-up the irony and themes as i was reading, and because of the bluntness you used at the end, i was very let down. although, i did love the parting image of rain and thoughts evaporating, and this was a very pretty piece overall, i just couldn't feel the last stanza at all.
#9
I'm gonna agree with nick and sre9981.
This was absolutely beautiful writing. My favorite read I've ever gotten from you. But the thing is, up until the last stanza, I was wondering (in a good way) hmm where's he going with this. I think I know but I'll have to read it again and think about it. Then My curiosity was kind of pushed away and I was just thinking about how the images and writing relates to the questions at the end. And it's ok but I didn't enjoy it as much as the rest. I liked the last two lines but it was kind of just there. Not out there for the finding. I hope this is making sense.
Overall, this is my favorite writing that I've seen from you and some of the best I've read on here. Really moving stuff. But to be picky, the ending wasn't very moving in perspective.
Really enjoyed this though.


If you get bored, the word floor in my sig is me latest but you don't really have to if you don't feel like it. I know i barely said anything here.
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Park that car
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Sleep on the floor
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#10
You have grown so ****ing much as a writer since whenever you first posted a piece that I read here. seriously, the control over language you have here is such a testament to that. I dunno, I just think it's cool.

by the by
you ever buy a drum kit?


edit: I did some research. this was probably the first piece of yours I read: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=346805
Notice the differences, notice the similarities, and then be proud of yourself.
Last edited by #1 synth at Nov 30, 2008,
#11
Quote by NGD1313
i'm not up for a full crit, but maybe i can stop by later and give the full piece consideration, for now i'll just address the ending since you said you were unsure about it. i wasn't a fan of the pop psychology/existentialism in the last stanza to be honest, now, don't misinterpret that as me saying i don't like the idea, i think poetry is nothing but vapid without inklings of philosophy in it, but i feel like you're way too blunt in flat out telling us what you want us to understand. subtlety is a beautiful thing. i think the thing that really irks me most about the list of questions is that most of them have been hinted at and danced around throughout the piece and it feels like you got to the end and got worried your readers would be too stupid to catch the themes and ideas you're trying to convey, so you'd thought you'd lay them down plainly so we'd get it, but i'd picked-up the irony and themes as i was reading, and because of the bluntness you used at the end, i was very let down. although, i did love the parting image of rain and thoughts evaporating, and this was a very pretty piece overall, i just couldn't feel the last stanza at all.

I feel I agree 100%. I didn't know how to end it, and the questions are so...easy. I'll work on it tonight.

Thanks everyone for the comments.
Quote by #1 synth
You have grown so ****ing much as a writer since whenever you first posted a piece that I read here. seriously, the control over language you have here is such a testament to that. I dunno, I just think it's cool.

by the by
you ever buy a drum kit?


edit: I did some research. this was probably the first piece of yours I read: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=346805
Notice the differences, notice the similarities, and then be proud of yourself.

I really have grown, it is amazing. I went to look at the stuff I wrote in 2006 (shudders), and I really felt that I could do better. I think just agewise I had a much clearer idea of what I wanted to write about, and then the experience (especially because of my recent English teachers) helped me control it more.

I never did get a drum kit. My dad bought Rock Band and I pwn at the drums. I was motivated to make my dad regret never letting me get one.

I find it extremely funny that I wrote that piece about the forum and how lame it is, yet I still post here.