#1
c4c if you want


rosemary


we met one autumn afternoon
when nothing mattered anymore
everything was dying
yet i was still walking against the wind

you acted a fictitious character
tricking me into dimwitted love
and when i removed your veil
you pretended to be my friend

lanky shadows loomed in my surroundings
dancing to a lonely light
shedding out of the cracks
from where i thought we had bonded

to think i could reverse time
im left a ****ing fool
autumn remains a killer
and the light only grows dim

i need your magic to release myself
show me there is no light
control the hand of god
bury me under a winter squall
Last edited by theWallofYAWN at Nov 30, 2008,
#2
Alright. Not wonderful but definetley gave a few mental pictures, which is good. What you need to do is try to paint an entire landscape for the listener/reader to immerse theirself in. Just add words that appeal to the senses. Maybe another verse or two or just add on. I see this as the frameworks to something that could turn out really well once somekinks are worked out.

Heres my newest one.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1010179
Pot
Kettle
Black
#3
i appreciate your crit. i agree. i could always use better imagery. but its a song that i didnt want to drag on for too long so i tried to keep it as short as i could. and i kind of wrote it lazily to get it done quicker and easily so it might seem bland at times. but i think i added a bit of a setting with the talking of autumn and everything dieing (although that relates to more than just the physical setting) and also the reference to winter and the looming lanky shadows (a bit of imagery). it tells a story which you can place into the setting. but the setting could definately use better work to be more clear and not leave it up to the reader as much.

i have the music recording in my profile for this one if anyone is interested in hearing it.