#1
Sit in the dark,
unravelling,
my thoughts.
Feed them to my brain,
there's a chance I'll go insane.
Immobolise my mind,
send it right back on it's hinds,
Access to it's fine,
as forward as a line.
The rest collapses from there,
confused, rip out my hair.
A silent breakdown now at last..
At least I thought..
Tick tick tick boom..

Distorted memories,
Visions of enemies,
Losing all control.
Need it sent, out of my soul!

So corrosive, my mind is explosive,
Darkened thoughts are drowning my head.
Wanna fill it up with lead,
hope it goes limp or dead.
Having a mental breakdown,
my mind is takin' me down.
My face surfaces on the ground,
Now it is silent, not to make a sound..

Distorted memories,
Visions of enemies,
Losing all control.
Need it sent, outta my soul!

Those thoughts, flooding me..
The mind is now top..
But not for long,
If those thoughts don't **** UP!

Disorted memories,
Visions of enemies,
Losing all control.
Need it sent, outta my soul!

Disorted memories,
Visions of enemies,
Losing all control.
Need it sent.. Need it sent.. Need it sent..
Out Of My Soul!!
#3
It was good, but forced rhymes left it feeling cheesy, and took away the meaning of it.
But maybe in a song situation, it could be better than I perceived it when I read it, so maybe record it sung? I don't know, It's not very clear, hiding behind all the rhymes.

Try writing without rhyming, see what you get.


PS, I said grammar, not spelling, and you didn't leave an address, so no cookie for you!