#1
Kinda short. Radioheadish. It has music but i didnt want to post it. Theres a chorus between every verse but it doesnt have any words, just some yeahs and stuff. here ya go.

When i see the sun,
Staring at the moon,
In a never ending glare,
I cry,

Chorus thing i explained*

They tell me,
the clocks will never stop,
when they are plated gold,
I sigh,

Chorus thingy*

When the season starts to fade,
And the flowers all will bloom,
If only they do once,
I die,

Chorus thingy*

They tell me,
The water wont run dry,
If it has fish to swim,
I write,

Chorus thingy*


It doesnt rhyme, btw. but the last line in every verse does so thats what kind of pulls it together,
So crtique.
C4C if i have the time.

And check out my other song i have on here, Not now. use the searchbar.
Pot
Kettle
Black
#2
"If only they do once"
Was my least favourite line, it felt... useless.

"If it has fish to swim"
I feel could have been said better, but maybe that's just my personal opinion (I noticed that it doesn't make sense grammatically and panicked).
I think you should try and relate it back to the water more obviously, for example use the word "in".

I don't know.

Other than those, I really loved it, the style, it wasn't "normal". You hooked me in by saying radiohead though

I'd love to hear it recorded, why don't you want to post it?


C4C? Rest in piece, link in sig.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 29, 2008,
#3
Perhaps if you put Two verses together it would bulk it out a bit for example

When i see the sun,
Staring at the moon,
In a never ending glare,
I cry,
They tell me,
the clocks will never stop,
when they are plated gold,
I sigh,
#4
Quote by ginjaninja
"If only they do once"
Was my least favourite line, it felt... useless.

"If it has fish to swim"
I feel could have been said better, but maybe that's just my personal opinion (I noticed that it doesn't make sense grammatically and panicked).
I think you should try and relate it back to the water more obviously, for example use the word "in".

I don't know.

Other than those, I really loved it, the style, it wasn't "normal". You hooked me in by saying radiohead though

I'd love to hear it recorded, why don't you want to post it?


C4C? Rest in piece, link in sig.



Alright, I may post it later on...if i do ill pm you
Pot
Kettle
Black
#5
Typically I dislike most songs that are put up here, but I enjoyed this one. The lack of a chorus probably helped me like it, but it was simple, and interesting. I enjoyed that.

The only issue I had was in this:

When the season starts to fade,
And the flowers all will bloom,
If only they do once,
I die,

It seems like since you say "When" the word "Will" makes it muddy.

Good job overall.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1010006
#6
Thanks...really its only the frameworks of a song. things may be added, taken away and there will be minor changes. but i think the idea as a whole came out quite well.
Pot
Kettle
Black
#7
hmm i appreciate your crit on mine.

When the season starts to fade,
And the flowers all will bloom,
If only they do once,

that line doesnt seem to make sense to me. maybe it could be worded a bit different? or maybe i am an idiot?

im not sure about you punctuation but i think if there was proper punctuation, like periods and proper commas, it might come out better and be more clear to the reader. if its a song then i guess it doesnt really matter but then you should probably post the song.

you say the last lines rhyme... thats a good idea and they do stick together in the way that theyre blunt but the final verse last line doesnt rhyme with the others.