#1
Looking down at the floor
Ive counted all the tiles
three times now
avoiding your
penetrating glance
upon me and

Its too late now
You had your chance
and threw it straight away
not a chance now
Im coming down
I cant keep my
emotions down at bay

I knew this
I knew this all would
end in tears
But how?
i never should have
have let it come
to this, and

Its too late now
You had your chance
and threw it straight away
not a chance now
Im coming down
I cant keep my
emotions down at bay

And this time, I knew
I knew But i Hoped
And all this time,
Trust and deciet
Threw Back at ME

Its too late now
You had your chance
and threw it straight away
not a chance now
Im coming down
I cant keep my
emotions down at bay

And its too late now (you had your chance)
Im leaving now (Its just a game of cat and mouse)
And its too late now (You just went and threw it all away)
Im leaving now (You just threw it all away)
You just Threw it all away (away, away, away)

A bit emo-ey but thats what I aimed for, just a random song :d
Tell me what ya think
#2
A bit too cliche, no offense. When i first began songwriting it was all just like this...pretty much teenage angst on paper. But as i grew out of that stage of my life my songwriting matures and it seems yours will do the same. Not bad, but not amazing for a teenage angst/girl song. LIke i said just keep it up and your lyrical skills will progress. Just trying writing verses about everything you see in your head throughout the day, it will help.

Crit mine? Just posted.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1010179
Pot
Kettle
Black
#3
Thanks mate, I see what your saying
Yeah, it was just a random song really, and looking back i could have done ten times better, but the only problem is when I do do literature such as poems I tend to be too descriptive and end up writing about subjects that would just sound cheesy in a song, but thanks mate, and hopefully i caqn only get better
#4
Quote by ultrasonic

Looking down at the floor
I've counted all the tiles
three times now
avoiding your
penetrating glance
upon me and
Good, I like how it;s all about the one situation, just a simple description of it too. The last line, however, wasn't great, "upon me" didn't work as a description of a glance, and was ruined by the useless filler "and". Rewrite that last line.

Oh, Ive realized what else I don't like about this: Look up the dictionary definition for a "glance". I'm sure that a glance couldn't last long enough for somebody to count all of the tiles on the floor three times.


Its too late now
You had your chance
and threw it straight away
not a chance now
I'm coming down
I cant keep my
emotions at bay
Repetition of "down" didn't work here, and the phrase is to keep something at bay, not down at bay, so scrap that down from the last line. The "straight", L3, I felt didn't work either.
Love the chance/glance here linking the stanzas.


I knew this
I knew this would all
end in tears
But how?
I never should have
have let it come
to this, and
Good, very very short though.

Its too late now
You had your chance
and threw it straight away
not a chance now
Im coming down
I cant keep my
emotions down at bay
See above.

And this time, I knew
I knew But I Hoped
And all this time,
Trust and deceit
Threw Back at ME
Threw back at me doesn't make sense grammatically (I think) and theres lots of random capitalization here, for no apparent reason.

Its too late now
You had your chance
and threw it straight away
not a chance now
I'm coming down
I cant keep my
emotions down at bay

And it's too late now (you had your chance)
I'm leaving now (Its just a game of cat and mouse)
And it's too late now (You just went and threw it all away)
I'm leaving now (You just threw it all away)
You just Threw it all away (away, away, away)
Really like this section, very good.



Grammar, apostrophes and capitalization please. I fixed as many as I could, but you really need to just go through it and fix each bit.

Also, look at what Rolling Stone said, I wasn't going to mention it, but yeah, it's not extremely "mature", or about anything new. Keep writing.
And if you say you could have done it ten times better, then what's stopping you?

C4C? Link in sig, called Rest In Piece.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 29, 2008,