#1
Sing over powerlines,
Familiar melodies,
Play the songbird as an instrument,
Just waiting for the bill to break.
Soft syllables and sunsets,
Fade away,
It’s remarkable isn’t it,
How often we forget?

This painting told a lie,
Watch that slanted smile,
Why so wide?
Is it pity or pride,
I should take in you?
We can crawl the walls,
And with open eyes fall.

We're where their grey eye glances,
And where their footstep gleams,
In an attempt to side-step me,
Let’s hide in shadows,
Much like the monsters we fear,
And rise up like giants,
Only when they’re near.


c4c as usual.
Last edited by Matt Chavie at Nov 29, 2008,
#2
"Soft syllables and sunsets"
"slanted smile"
"Why so wide"
Mmmmm, illiteration, delicious.

"This painting told a lie,
Watch that slanted smile,"
Gave me a brilliant image of the Mona Lisa smirking at me.

At points, I got a little annoyed by the repetition, or seeming repetition as the piece went on, especially in the final stanza, as the rhymes got horribly structured.

An extra line break between S2+3? Crazy little world....

Brilliant writing.

C4C? link in sig, Rest in piece.
#4
Quote by Matt Chavie

To the shadows we’ll crawl,
And rise only when they’re near.



Quote by Matt Chavie

Let’s hide in shadows,
Much like the monsters we fear,
And rise up like giants,
Only when they’re near.



I agree on the repetition issue. As it stands, I would give it 6/10, but if you fix the repetition it will flow better and likely be more around an 8 or 9.
#6
I felt this piece was pretty predetermined because of an endless supply of literary devices you repeatedly utilized. I recieved the impression that you had something important to say and you thought, 'what is the most poetic way I can possbily express that idea I have.' Which to me, isn't what I like to read or witness. It feels forced, fake and inapropriate.
Now, to someone else, its glorious, but to me it isn't. What is the point of having alliteration, rhyme, or personification when it doesn't actually add to the idea of the piece?
I believe you should write around the idea, and then add in the technical aspects befittingly afterwards. You can't base a poem around how many first letters you can match up.
I'm sure you didn't do what I just wrote, but it reads to me like you did. I hope I don't come across as arogant - I'm not - but I am honest about how I feel on something like this. I have read it many times and there is very little that I can find that really moved me and beckoned me inwards.
The only thing that this piece did actually do is drawn me in closer to rip it apart to find the few sections that I found attachement to. I was forced deeper into it - and I did find some nice variations in the theme - but, in general, I don't really feel like I'm reaching properly into your mind, because you're too busy with deciding what words rhymes with what and how far a sentence can delve into something in a metaphorical sense.
Your capitalization, as well, at every line break has always obscured the flow and diction, it really isn't necessary, if you ask me. Just a personall thought - not like I haven't given enough of those
I do enjoy creating multiple themes when reading something like this, but you do require definition to a certain degree, just to leave the writer in a comfortable state, but still allowing them wanting more.

- "Sing over powerlines,
Familiar melodies," - Being honest, this was the only line I really felt something for. The rest just seemed like nonsense. Great line.

Sorry if I seemed harsh, mate. I really don't mean to be cruel in any way, I just feel a necessity to express myself with something like this.

Digitally Clean
#7
I am ok with harsh. Im honestly not offended at all, you can't please everyone. I paid no attention to rhyming or any literary device, I've never really cared about them. When I write I write about a lot of things in a lot of different ways so this not being received well by you or anyone else is ok.

teh caps=microsoft word's fault, it has a bad habit of doing that.


Thanks for the crit.