#1
Very OTS, but it's a song so I don't care. It felt like the right time to post this - I only wrote it about an hour ago. Treat this in any manner that you wish.




Something Romantic and Coincidental

I wish I could touch you, like
I want to leave you.
I wish I could text you, like
I want to ignore you.

I wish I could want you, like
I've never done before.
I know I don't want you, like
I've ever done before.

I'm glad,
very glad that you contacted me.
But at the same time,
hearing from you again,
without your boyfriend, and
without everything that I left you with,
seems so desperate;
and you know how much I
follow desperation?

Murders have motives because they're hard to do.
But love never has motives
because of how easy it is to fall into.

I wish I could touch you, like
I want to leave you.
I wish I could talk to you again,
like I want to feather my throat.

It seems so outrageous that
you, of all people,
would ever text me again;
that you would beat around the bush
so daintily, yet so pitifully
and come out of it without me.

I wish I could want you, like
I've never done before.
I know I don't want you, like
I've ever done before.

This poem, this song, this
expression of thoughts,
is nothing like anything else I've written
and I guess that makes me, and it,
original, even though
what happened to us
happens to every boy and girl
who value the sight of something
coincidental and romantic.

I wish I could touch you, like
I want to leave you.
I wish I could text you, like
I want to ignore you.

I wish I could touch you, like
I want to leave you.
I wish I could talk to you again,
like I want to spit at you.

I wish I could **** you, like
I want to **** you.
I wish I could **** you, like
I want to **** you.

I wish I could **** you, like
I want to **** you.
I wish I could **** you, like
I want to **** you.


Digitally Clean
#2
well, this read very OTS. There's nothing really fantastic about this, in fact it gets rather contrite and very cliched at points. The formulaic approach is not bad, but sometimes it feels a bit constricting. And i didn't see the end coming. Overall, definitely not the best thing you've written, but with some work, well, a lot of work, this could be good.
#3
I see what you are saying, Alex, and I don't know if you already recognize this or not, but this was meant to be read as a song of desperation. Hence, why I have written in a clichéd and repetitive manner.
I wanted to create the feeling of absolute confusion and disorder in a song without any strict patterns or routines. Of course, you can't here that (which is probably why you viewed this in the way that you did).
I totally see where you are coming from, but try and look at this from a different perspective; try and imagine it as sensation, one that of just facing a nervous breakdown and how the world and how you perceive it totally rearranges itself (turns itself upside down) and you are forced into some sought of indescribable feeling - maybe you could analyze it as returning to your childhood, but you're still facing the problems that adults face - I wanted that childishness and soft, untrained teenage angst to be ripe within this.
I tried to help the reader see how insignificant and infantile you feel when an ex girlfriend contacts you, even though you have been parted for over a year and when you did part ways, you ended in the worst possible manner. And they then proceed to ask you back in your life - after a year of her being happy with another man.

Do you get what I'm saying? Do you reckon I got that message across? I recognize that people will not instantly grasp onto that thought, but hey, maybe this explanation will help the good folks here.
#4
I can see that now, I think it would work better if i could here it. I actually like the ending, i meant to say that, but what i meant was i was getting one impression at the start, and then another by the end. It seemed to me that you were confused to start of with, and then get more and more angry at either yourself or her or both of you. I'd love to hear this.

PS: It's Kyle I was looking for the invisible poster at the start. Don't worry, i'll take it as a compliment, thoug Alex will be upset you mistook him for me
#5
Very cliched.

I see where you're coming from though, you get your point across. I find myself at the end feeling that I know exactly what you're feeling about this girl, mostly because I've been there before. To me, it seems to capture that raw emotion. I really like the ending, too. The change of tone really does it for me. Then again, I'm a sucker for this kind of writing. Kudos.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#6
Thank you for understanding. This piece means a lot to me. Cheers, folks.

Alex - who the hell is Alex then?

I remember you're Kyle now, soz, guv. Thanks for the re-read, I appreciate that.
#7
Alex is the dearly-departed skagitup. And no worries, i'll keep coming back until i get my head around it completely. NO need to apologise, i forget names all the time. You must record this for me so i can hear it, OK?
#8
Oh, yes record this, please. I really want to hear the kind of rhythm you put on this one.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#9
It will take a while, most likely, but I'll let you both know for definite when I do (to remind myself of you 'Just_a_picker', I'm going to send you a PM, then I'll be able to find your profile more easily by going into the sent messages)
I know you Alex, anyway...

BTW, this won't be written or played just by me, this will be most likely played by my band, so that's where it will going. Poor Reeves

Thanks again.
#10
cheeky bastard, for that I'll come back thisafternoon and slay this with no mercy. HUZZAH!

but yeah, PM and I'll give it a listen. I've just been on the profile destroying you, so you may not want to go there, it might bruise your ego

My slaying now completely, i will come back later this afternoon to destroy this. CIAO!
#11
Alright then.

And you're very welcome. I have an untitled piece up on top page if you don't mind checking it out I don't have the link handy; I'll just edit it into this post in a second.

EDIT: As promised, here's the link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1010532
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
Last edited by Just_a_picker at Nov 29, 2008,
#12
"Murders have motives because they're hard to do.
But love never has motives
because of how easy it is to fall into."

- Expand on that. The rest felt like you just slamming on a keyboard during a moment of frustration and writing it off as poetry. Usually there is much more substance to your work, and I failed to see it here. This stanza sounds a bit weird when read aloud, but it is so true, and could be worked into a much better piece of writing. If you have a moment comment/bump my piece https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1009850 Thanks, look forward to reading more of your work.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#13
Yeah, I agree. This looks much like dumping words to the paper (or to the screen). Although I like it, I won't say it's wonderful; it's just fun to read something like that.

"I'm glad,
very glad that you contacted me.
But at the same time,
hearing from you again,
without your boyfriend, and
without everything that I left you with,
seems so desperate;
and you know how much I
follow desperation?"

This was amazing Dan ^^
#14
^ that's funny cause that's actually my least favourite part. If this was a poem, that would be my favourite part, but as a song, it doesn't seem to work as well. Maybe It'll be better it i head it, i just can't pick a melody from reading this
#15
My bassist is a genius with creating melodic lines to accompany vocal passages. If there is a rhythm to be found in that section, he'll find it.

Well, the idea was that I wanted to write the first things that came to mind; just unadulterated and uniterupted emotions. When you feel like the way I was doing - as many people could know - there is no definition or clarity, just randomness, that unfortunately, drives you insane.

Thanks for the read. I'll look up your stuff, feshy.
#16
first off thanks for your comments on my pieces much appreciated.

That being said this seems very familiar to what I was writing about.
Of course I like (and hate) the idea of it all but I feel it lacks something especially coming from you. I liked how you changed the chorus(?) a bit through out but I like the first two the best along with the last three, which makes for a good combo. Though I did not like how easy to follow and bland it was. Usually I read your work a few times before really grasping it all but this one is just one, two, three. Which I guess isn't bad for a song it just needs that final punch. Overall I liked this but I feel its because I can connect with it. Usually your pieces really hit me with a simple "wow" but this was did not. Still a fan though, keep going!

plus reading a song and hearing it are very different atmospheres.
#17
>Murders have motives because they're hard to do.
>But love never has motives
>because of how easy it is to fall into.

This is now among my favorite lines of all time.

To give some of my thoughts though, I really liked the piece, although I couldn't find a rhythm. The lyrics, which I don't think are as cliché as the above mentioned, but I mean it's still a little bit.

This stuff about texting is original in my opinion and it reminds me of one of my friends. She had a texting-based relationship with a guy who ended up going to juvy because he beat the **** out of someone, and that's all I could really think about in this song. Her and I are really close though so I felt like I could relate to this song.

All in all, I like it! But more as a poem than a song.
Signatures are overrated.
Signatures are overrated.
Signatures are overrated.
Signatures are overrated.