#1
If it was up to me and
the best of my ability,
some words would be
copyrighted.
No bum on the street will
ever
ask for pity
again
because he won’t be entitled
to what pity was.
No one will
ever
classify me by race
again
because they won’t be able to judge me
by a word that isn’t their own.

And if I could, I’d get the rights
to your name
so no one will
ever
whisper it in your ear
again

but me.
This is not a pipe
#2
ahh, my sentiments exactly. Beautiful as usual, some how you make annoying linebreaks not annoying, you're the only person i've seen who can actually pull it off. This was just beautiful
#3
Oh very tasty. If your writing was food, it would be ferrero rocher.

You always have the best themes to your pieces - it's very jealousy inducing.

I'm still in thought as to whether some of the line breaks are something that fit the piece. Maybe I should try out different methods and see how it pans out.
The nice thing about this is that you could change it totally, and it still would be excellent. Each word has a seperate meaning behind them and when you combine them with others, it just fruits outwards into different branching fig olive trees.

- "No bum on the street will
ever
ask for pity
again
because"

- This is the only section that I'm skeptical about, really. As I mentioned, though, I'm still trying to determine how you had it mind to fit, so don't get the wrong imporession. My thoughts are still young.

Really, it's the overall feeling that I recieve from this, not the specifics that matter. I never care for minor details. If I feel something and connect to the picture as a whole, I don't give a tiny rats ass as to how and in which way I reached that plateau, as long I'm there.
#4
Oh, wow.

I'm not really sure how to go about this. I really, really love those last few lines. Kudos.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


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Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#5
.. :]
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Absolutely lovely. It's wierd to think about what trying to communicate/think about things there aren't words for would be like. Actually I guess this happens now. That's kind of what I see poetry as. Trying to get ideas that there aren't standards for out and across. Things that are bigger than "love" and "sadness". Things that encompass the deepest emotions. That's what I got out of this. That's what I keep getting out of this because I can't stop reading it
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Thanks guys, I'll be returning critiques tonight, so if there's anything specific you want critiqued, just PM me or something.

Dan, that's actually a part that I really like in the piece, so if you can pin point what it is exactly that doesn't sit with you, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks again guys. Back at ya soon.
This is not a pipe
#8
Carmel, this had such a great ending.

It swayed between wonderfully romantic and unapoletigically possesive with such precision, it really gives the reader something to munch over.

That said, there's some fluff there. "to the best of my ability" is a throwaway, imo, and I think the addition of racial tension at the end of the first stanza is uneeded imo, it kind of gives this too many themes, whether I think keeping it strictly about the love/possesive thing is much stronger. It just adds another theme to the piece whereas I think you can cut it and have a stronger piece.

But yeah, the ending was gorgeous. I just wouldn't be afraid to cut some of the earlier stuff, so that it becomes even more central.



EDIT: Reading Dylan's Edit, I'll explain slightly more. I always see race as this political, touchy subject (especially on these boards) and so when someone touches on it in a piece I don't always agree to it's presense. It's the connotations of tension, of all the negativety that is now created with a word such as race (may just be me, but I always always now here that word with (ism or ist) on the end, due to, well, media hyperbole.

I've argued the same point when someone once wrote a love poem sort of thing and used the word "Martyr". The negative associations with that word now have kind of destroyed the nice sentiment that was supposed to be conveyed int he poem.

Just so you now where I'm coming from.

Last edited by Jammydude44 at Dec 1, 2008,
#12
If it was up to me and
the best of my ability,
line seemed necessary in order to bring voice and inject personality into the beginning of the piece (through both rhyme and content) but at the same time I like this section much better without it. I dunno. I didnt like having both of these two first lines as an opener, I would have preferred one or the other. As you can see by my confused speech I'm torn between what I'd prefer here: one, the other, both, or neither. I guess I would just suggest playing with the opening a little and seeing if anything you like more comes out of it. if not, then i'm sure this is fine.
some words would be
copyrighted.
simple but cool idea. when I first read this I really looked forward to where you were going to take this.
No bum on the street will
ever
ask for pity
the throwback end-rhyme here to the beginning of the piece is really well done.
again
because he won’t be entitled
to what pity was.
I definitely dig the darker/selfish twist this took here. I was bothered with the line breaks for a bit but then I got over it because they allow you to clean up your message. By this I mean they make everything seem much more linear, straightforward, factual, and more believable. So yeah, your line-breaks were spot on in this piece.
No one will
ever
classify me by race
I almost wanted a stronger word than classify here, if one exists.
again
because they won’t be able to judge me
by a word that isn’t their own.
Your poetry is inspirational to me because it demonstrates how something can be incredibly powerful without being witty, excessively sentimental, or explicitly personal. Like, this is a plain progression without being even close to ordinary.

And if I could, I’d get the rights
I didnt like the and at the front of this line but I mean, it works. Makes it more wordy than necessary though. The continued theme of justice is awesome. Your string of judicial words provide another thread that supplements your content very well.
to your name
so no one will
ever
whisper it in your ear
again

but me.
I loved the stanzaic break here.


The end was cathartic and the best example of you using line breaks to denote emotion. It was also unbelievably relatable. Like, I'm going to send this piece to my girlfriend (mostly because she'll just appreciate it as a piece of really good poetry), if you'd give me permission to that is.

You didnt do anything with this piece that you didnt need to. everything was contained, your language was controlled and very little was arguably extraneous. No loose ends at the end and a go home point with a punch. Damn good piece.


edit: to respond to Jamie's comment on the racism piece. Yeah, I definitely see where he's coming from. I agree that the consolidation of your theme would give the audience maybe an even more complete experience. However, without the other two bits there is no context for the end, making it lose most of it's impact. They arnt just examples of what you would do if you had this "power," they are comparisons building to the final example. Without the comparisons the importance of the last bit is belittled. I still agree with him about the fluff in the very first part though.
Last edited by #1 synth at Dec 1, 2008,
#13
Actually, Jamie mentioned that slightly irksome section in this, and that's the second line. The relation to "race" is quite affordable, but you probably could of bought something else for less and had better wear and tear out of it. Once again, I have no idea what...

I think it's because you use the same line break, falling into "ever" and "again" on two occasions, that which creates the uneven and repetitous feeling that I mentioned previously. It almost feels gimmicky, like you are trying to use some sought of literary technique to convey an idea that doesn't need tarting up. The words themselves create so many illusions and prospects that altering the mood with originative line breaks just because heresay and impotence. Like you are trying to get the reader to focus on them, instead of the piece as a whole.
I'm only being very very picky here and I do genuiley understand and see the importance of leaving this as it is, but you did ask for my opinion to be furthered, so there it is.

I still really like this!
#14
To respond again to Jamie's point about racism:

I apologize as I thought you had more of a problem with what the racism represented in the poem (ie. the space that it took up) as oppose to the mere fact that it is the topic of racism. After your clarification that you are worried that the loaded idea may distract from the real intent of the piece as oppose to provide a mere bolstering of importance and pertinence to the ending I can't really help but to agree to an extent. But my agreement isnt necesarily in the fact that the topic of racism calls for that distraction as much as the topic in question in that section. I would argue that it is not the racism as much as the fact that you implicate yourself with the racism making not a building block example to help solidify the end (the ending being the climax of these building blocks into revealing a relationship between the "me" and the "you") but rather another relationship between the "me" and something else.

Basically, I want you to save the "me" and every explicit relationship with the "me" for the ending as if you illicit either before then it waters down the ending both in placement and in repetition of content.


I would be fine with the use of racism here, in fact, I think the piece is sure of itself enough to earn the use of it, but how it's used here I feel may distract rather than add or transition to the end.

eh, just my two cents on the matter.

#15
First of all, I don't think that it's right to impose the word "racism" on my piece since I did not use it. I was very careful about that, and while it may have brought up that idea for you, Jamie, there is no need to treat the piece as if it said it.

Secondly, I think you guys are ignoring the fact that I was trying to paint a world in which the word does not exist. I would think it would be a rather pleasant way to look at things.

Regarding the ever/again - I think the structure, wording and line breaks did a lot for this piece, but I'm not going to explain it in details since I just try not to over-explain my pieces. You are always welcome to feel differently though.
This is not a pipe
#17
Quote by carmel_l
First of all, I don't think that it's right to impose the word "racism" on my piece since I did not use it. I was very careful about that, and while it may have brought up that idea for you, Jamie, there is no need to treat the piece as if it said it.

Secondly, I think you guys are ignoring the fact that I was trying to paint a world in which the word does not exist. I would think it would be a rather pleasant way to look at things.

Regarding the ever/again - I think the structure, wording and line breaks did a lot for this piece, but I'm not going to explain it in details since I just try not to over-explain my pieces. You are always welcome to feel differently though.


Oh, no I didn't mean that, I was just meaning I've felt the word has too many negative connotations nowadays than say, ten years ago or something. Much like the martyr example.

I tried to minimise anything that meant it affected the whole piece for me, and sorry if it came up in that way.

#18
the idea rocks. the choice of phrases rocks. and the line breaks - oh, do the line breaks ever rock.

enjoyed this thoroughly. did that ever make me think about stuff.
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