#1
The writing bug has bit me, so here goes:

I lay here tonight
Wondering where you are
Are you with him?
Are you alone?
Do you think of me
As more than a friend?
Do you wish you had me
Instead of him?
I had to lie and put on
That plastic smile
To hide the hurt you seemed
To bring up in me

(chorus)
But I'll be alright, you see
I'll make it through this
This ain't the end
It's only the start
Of something grand

The sun has risen
On a new day
I smile because
The pain went away
The rain outside
Was so sweet on my lips
It reminds me of you
I smile again
When I see your face
Oblivious to
The fact you're his
I know that tonight
As I lie in my bed
The pain will creep in

(chorus)

(bridge)
And as I fall asleep
I dream of you and me
And I know I'm smiling
Because I know
It's gonna happen someday

I know you're thinking
That I'm dillusional
But I got that feeling
That feeling that
Has never been wrong
And I'm going to
Going to be alright!

You just wait and see
It's going to be
You and me


And that's all I got...
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#2
I don't like the "rain" line; it's not very believable. I mean, who actually goes out in the rain and licks their lips, and then proceed to remember their past partners. Use something less relatable, but more believable to the average John Doe. Maybe more quaint or adventurous.

- "I had to lie and put on
That plastic smile
To hide the hurt you seemed
To bring up in me"


- I really enjoyed your first verse and it's clear simplicity, but then this cropped up and changed the atmosphere too quickly. I don't know, it didn't quite sit as comfortably as the preceding section.

- "This ain't the end"

- I've always had disdain for the word "ain't". Why can't people use 'isn't'? It's so much more articulate, precious, simple, surprising, quiescent and secretive.

I was waiting for a return of the "rain" and "sun" theme - even though it's simple - I imagined it to be something cyclic; something that would relinquish it of it's clichéd attitude and lack of charisma. But you didn't. That said, the ending is still enjoyable and almost unbelievable.

That's what I like about this, it had absurd qualities to it; unattainable lifestyles, and it made it all the more creative and emotional because of it.

Digitally Clean
#3
Ah thanks. I was really aiming for the unrealistic quality. The use of 'ain't' is mainly from where I'm from. I just clicked "New Thread" and had at it, so it's VERY ots. I'll continue to work on it and maybe run it back by whoever crits this again to see if it has made good progress.

Thanks again
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.