#1
MY BODY, MY TEMPLE, MY MIND, MY PRISON

Integrity gives way to perdition
To the surface dark thoughts have risen
Trapped inside a thoughtless decision
My body, my temple, my mind, my prison

My forgiveness ends in catastrophe
I feel a terrible pain inside of me
You ripped away what used to bind me
Never understood, now you’re lost, forever

I find myself needing so much more
Beyond what was normal before
Perversion takes a peculiar position
My body, my temple, my mind, my prison

My body…forsaken
My temple…I dwell
My mind…awakens
In a prison cell

My body…empty
My temple…destroyed
My mind…diseased
In this hate filled void

So much hate, I feel hate, a mistake
And you’re the cause of it
I could have forgiven
But…you…just…wouldn’t…quit

Feed the demons and starve my soul
To the darkness I give control
Inside I feel the division
My body, my temple, my mind, my prison

Haunted by paranoid delusion
Killing you was the only conclusion
Your heart bleeds from my hateful incision
Your body, my temple, your fate, my prison

I have been playing with this song for three years. I’m posting to see if there are any comments that will kicks start the brain so I can complete it. C4C! Leave Link.
#2
my bodies a temple too. it's just got some art on the walls.
MINI enthusiast

@stevenpollock

My band: avenueofembers.com
Quote by neverspoiled
thank you stevenpollock..
the only Pit-head thats not a douche bag...right now anyway
=)
#3
from the lyrical themes i'm guessing this is a metal song, and a pretty damn good one at that. Yes, it's rather cliched, but not badly so. There's some good stuff in here, and some good rhymes. I don't have time to tear at this fully, but i'll just say that this was good tor ead, and therefor should make a good song. I liked the breakdown - if that's what it is. The:

"So much hate, I feel hate, a mistake
And you’re the cause of it
I could have forgiven
But…you…just…wouldn’t…quit"

I can hear that part in my head really well. And the shorus is powerful too. I'll be back
#4
For 3 years. Holy Smokes.
and yeah, this is metal.
Put some kick ass riffs to it and I would listen to it.

The only thing I would change is the second set of

"My Body...
...
...
In a..."


I would put that a few verses after the first one. Change it up a bit.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#5
this would be a great song. the separation of

But…you…just…wouldn’t…quit


i especially liked, as well as the body...temple...mind stanzas. it's cliched, but not enough to get in the way. put some powerful guitars and good vocals to this and it could be a very effective song.
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#7
really enjoyable to read.. watch out about using the words "my" or "me" too much outside of your chorus line.. this is just my uneducated opinion but it kinda sounds like using those words too much outside of the chorus pulls away from the intense sincerity and very singular posessive sense you've given them within the chorus... chorus is great by the way..

well done

--William
#8
MY BODY, MY TEMPLE, MY MIND, MY PRISON

Integrity gives way to perdition
To the surface dark thoughts have risen
Trapped inside a thoughtless decision
My body, my temple, my mind, my prison (I really like this beginning set. Really hooks me)

My forgiveness ends in catastrophe
I feel a terrible pain inside of me (You could try without the "I feel", I think it makes it flow better)
You ripped away what used to bind me
Never understood, now you’re lost, forever

I find myself needing so much more
Beyond what was normal before
Perversion takes a peculiar position
My body, my temple, my mind, my prison

My body…forsaken
My temple…I dwell
My mind…awakens
In a prison cell

My body…empty
My temple…destroyed
My mind…diseased
In this hate filled void

So much hate, I feel hate, a mistake
And you’re the cause of it
I could have forgiven
But…you…just…wouldn’t…quit

Feed the demons and starve my soul
To the darkness I give control (Only thing here is I think maybe demons and darkness are a bit overused, so maybe some substitutes?)
Inside I feel the division
My body, my temple, my mind, my prison

Haunted by paranoid delusion
Killing you was the only conclusion
Your heart bleeds from my hateful incision
Your body, my temple, your fate, my prison

All in all I enjoyed the peice. Good job! Thanks for the crit by the way.