#1
enjoy. c4c if you'd like, just leave a link. I think this is one of the more interesting pieces I've ever written.



Untitled I

birds seek refuge high up in the heavens
fish on the other hand dive into the sea
which one are you? which one are we?
-Nursery Rhyme


The night the Man of the world
came down upon her. A flash flood
washing the soil from under her tires,
holding herself together with a taught seatbelt
her arms plugged into her shoulders like wires.
Suddenly alone, suddenly chilled to the bone,
suddenly questioning how close she was to the ground,
how close was she to the sky, was it her soul or her ghost
that tightened her skin and shook her thighs.

Car swept like dust by a feather soft
to the side of I-235, knowing the futility in
twisting her key, but twisting anyway,
just to feel the wheels spin, something responsive,
dynamic, turns the knob
but the radio’s turned static, rain patter distant and pathetic
like the pitter of puppy paws on linoleum.
Lodged in forever mud and soil, windows black
banging close, like the pots and pans of the thunderhead
lurked right outside and wanted her dead.

She remembers Orion staring at her through her sunroof
the Confederate dead staring at her through her floor
her heart floating fast, warm, loud, and beating.
She remembers being stupidly surprised at how strong it was.
Last edited by #1 synth at Nov 29, 2008,
#2
Well it certainly is interesting

Your imagery completely makes the piece. Usually lines upon lines of images can get tedious and take away from the meaning of a piece but this entire thing is like a well-pieced montage of sensory lines. Very human.


edit: as far as c4c goes, you could take a look at this or, if that doesn't please you, one of the few in my sig. I'm pretty sure you've already got to those though. Honestly though, you don't actually have to do anything.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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Last edited by vintage x metal at Nov 30, 2008,
#3
I really like how the poem related to the rhyme at the beginning. That did it for me. Your images are very detailed and tasteful. For some reason, the second paragraph didn't intrigue as much as the first. Maybe it was because of your return to a more real and concrete situation, which I imagine is what you wanted, but if not you might want to try editing that part. I don't understand where the Confederate dead comes from in the last paragraph though. On a whole though, quite engaging and dark.

one thing : " her arms plugged into her shoulders like wires. " i think wires should be something else

heres mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17353936#post17353936
#5
I saw you post something about how much another writer has grown (dorkus). But you really really have too. I remember last year not really feeling much of your stuff at all. You had good ideas but there was always a turn off about it. But this, a few others recently, that one long free post, it's all really really beautiful. I love it.
This was 'charming'. It was captivating and a great read. I'm in the perfect mood for this too.

If you feel like a quick opinion on this, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1009818 I'd appreciate it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
I felt at the end of the second stanza, you killed the flow. However, this is an amazingly written, human piece. I can feel and see this all happening before my eyes, and I really imagine a young woman drowning in her car.


C4C: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1010678
#7
Quite good for a fever poem, my man. Love any reference to the confederate dead. But you gotta give Orion his due. The guy has been bought out by past loves, can't look at the night sky without the lights reflecting in their eyes, coming back from two years past to pierce me. One of them nearly got the moon, but I stopped her. Yeah, yeah.
#10
taut, not taught.

This seemed a lot better written them some of your more recent stuff, in regards to the poetics.

However, you still have an unnerving pretentsion to your work that stops me from really enjoying it. I think it's that you never really give your reader any emotion; everything I read from you is "look at my life and how I feel" rather than the much more reader-rewarding "feel what I feel" or "learn from how I feel".

You just seem far to self-indulgent with your writing for me to care half the time, in all honesty.
#12
I liked the pretentiousness myself, i'm a sucker for your holier-than-thou attitude. if you feel up to some mass-slaughter, i've got a new piece up. Link in my sig, just click on "communicate"
#13
If memeory serves me correctly, you're Dylan, right?

Honestly, this seemed pretty ingenious to me.
The only thing I don't quite understand is why you put the nursery rhyme in the beginning. Yes it fits with this slightly, but... uhh, I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore.



like the pitter of puppy paws on linoleum.

I don't even like puppies and I like this line :]
Promises meant a lot back then.
#14
Quote by Jammydude44
taut, not taught.

This seemed a lot better written them some of your more recent stuff, in regards to the poetics.

However, you still have an unnerving pretentsion to your work that stops me from really enjoying it. I think it's that you never really give your reader any emotion; everything I read from you is "look at my life and how I feel" rather than the much more reader-rewarding "feel what I feel" or "learn from how I feel".

You just seem far to self-indulgent with your writing for me to care half the time, in all honesty.


The sad truth is that I just don't know how to give my reader any emotion. I've been writing the same way for a long time and growth is hard. I don't think your last point is phrased correctly either. it's not self-indulgence that's my Achilles heel, it's my lack of an ability to use it to my advantage.

Thank you all. Returning now.
#15
- "her arms plugged into her shoulders like wires. "

- This section really struck me, particularly in accordance to the rest of the piece.

I have been thinking about what Jamie said and how you responded to said statement. And I can't help but agree with him in many regards.
But, that said, I never could really attach myself to his stuff either. There has been maybe a few occasions where I connected with Jamie's work or something from yourself. And that disorientates me because so many people see you both as perennial favourites and understand you like my sister understands here makeup box. Not just because I don't fully grasp you as a whole, but because you both keep saying the same ****ing thing. As does Zach and Kent (nothing against any of you, BTW). You keep saying what it is your pieces lack or what other people lack, but you never really explain how the hell you're supposed to rectify that 'problem.'
I've been told this, that and the other about my lyrics and poetry and it's driving me insane because I have no idea how on earth I'm supposed to please everybody, while still writing at my own pace. I feel like I'm in total battle with myself. I have no idea how I should write or how to control what it is I am saying. That applies to how I read pieces, as well. Mindless confusion and mindless metaphors that I become caught up in.
You are who you are as a writer and there is no point speculating or forcing something new upon yourself when you are not ready for it. If you, Dylan, reach people with your poetry, GREAT! Screw Jamie and screw me, because not everyone will feel in unison.
Of course, this is a place for opinions, but shouldn't criticism be constructive? If so, how is telling someone their problems and then leaving them in the middle of the ****ing desert constructive?
I'm not going to pretend to even slightly understand why I don't connect with your writing - well, I'm guessing it's because of very deep personal reasons that has no place for discussion here - but I do know now why I don't fully connect with this to the level that so many others have done, and I have only found out because of what Jamie said - even though it was in a totally meandering and aggravating manner (which you responded to in like manner) - and it's because of how caught up you seem to be with your similes and imagery.
Everything was "like" this or "like" that. All this imagery spraying off into different directions and never allowing me (only me, as it seems) to pause on what you are saying. The words were too frequent to give me chance to see how relevant they are to my life. Progress through the piece slowly, don't slaughter me. Supply some nice imagery, then apply that to yourself and explain how you want other people to think, but with subtlety obviously, you don't want to make all the decisions yourself.

Now, with all that rant said, I did like this. But, something held me back, and I don't know what that is.

BTW, this is from me, a very mediocre writer and someone who has a had a history of not understanding poetry and being very much against the high standards, so ignore at your will and please don't be offended, anybody.

Digitally Clean
#16
I enjoyed this quite a bit. Something that I could relate too in some strange sense. Built the feeling of being trapped in a situation and doing things you know aren't going to help... but doing them out of the need to do something. And then discovering something about myself.

Of all the poems for Jamie to say that no reader emotion was developed... this was the worst one. He could have said that on 95% of everything I've read from you adn I'd agree... but here; fuck no. I do think that your second stanza drags this down 10 fold. First and third were so intense and pungent and delectable and other words I looked up in teh thesaurus. You need the second stanza... you need the desperation it creates; but you need to make it so it either rambles more or doesn't ramble. The in between just leaves a feeling of either not conveying what you wanted too or not having enough control to just paint the scene devoid of desperation. I say make it more desperate and really beg the reader to put himself in the situation with you.

-zC