#1
i was driving in my car, listening
to some happy upbeat pop tunes,
you know, the kind written about
you and me and everything we've
always wanted to be.
I pressed the pedal a bit more
as the chorus came in and i
sweetly sang along with enough
air in my lungs to throw a concert
inside my car, but still not enough to
invite you to it.
"oh, honey pie you are making me crazy
i'm in love, but i'm lazy
so won't you please come home"

i passed a mall, some record stores and
fast food places. looked through the faces
to see if i saw you there, anywhere.

i was on my way home. just a few
streets left, when i saw an old lady
faint on the concrete floor. I pulled
my car over. I thought she was dead.
oh god oh god. decided to check for pulse.
grabbed her hand and put two fingers
on her thin wrist. thump thump. thump
I thought i heard something. thank God.
then, the heartbeats started getting louder
and changing rhythmically. a melody
kicked in. riiing. i took my phone out of my
left pocket
"oh, hey honey what's up...great...
what are you doing tonight?...yeah...
awesome...i'll pick you up at 7...
can't wait...it'll be perfect...you, me..."
Last edited by cubs at Nov 30, 2008,
#2
ah this was pretty. I don't believe english isn't your first language Such a ****ing awesome idea you have here. I just smiled and stared for a minute after reading this. You are getting really good. You always appealed to my tastes but this was so clever and the writing was solid. Loved it.

Nice work.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
Quote by cubs


i was on my way home. just a few
streets left, when i saw an old lady
faint on the concrete floor.


Woo, I got a shout out!!!
#5
Quote by jiminizzle
ah this was pretty. I don't believe english isn't your first language Such a ****ing awesome idea you have here. I just smiled and stared for a minute after reading this. You are getting really good. You always appealed to my tastes but this was so clever and the writing was solid. Loved it.

Nice work.


haha, thanks man (jimi?). funny how you say that, most of this was originally written in spanish . i wrote a variation of the last stanza in spanish. i thought the idea was nice, so i just started writing based on what i already had. im quite happy with this piece. it probably still needs some tweaking, but i have positive feelings about it. once again, thank you for your comments, i truly appreciate your opinion. do you have a piece you'll like me to check out?

also lol at old lady
Last edited by cubs at Nov 30, 2008,
#6
Quote by Old Lady
Woo, I got a shout out!!!



haha wtf


and thats cool how it translates so well. You did a good job with that. If you feel up to it, a quick opinion on 'wheels,' https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1009818 would be nice. I'm pretty shaky on it. No pressure though
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me