#1
This is a complete overhaul of a song blurb I previous wrote. Kept the structure, made new verses. It's fairly straight forward, but let me know what you think of it, and if you have any questions

There's nothing I'd rather do
than cut up a line with you
and have this feeling sweep over me

that sweet sense of relief
feels like my body can breathe
for the first time ever, I hope it never leaves

Sometimes I feel like I'm wasted
Other nights I barely taste it
Where the hell does this ever end?

so I take another line and see
my head fills with toxic signs
as my toxic eyes tell me not to cry

In this state of mind, I feel fine
Nothing can ruin this life of mine
Til I'm crashing down from this bittersweet high

What is it I'm hiding from
I can't keep on running like this
Constant ups and downs in life never end

But If I can't live straight edge
How will I ever get ahead
In life, I cannot win, so why even try?
Last edited by oakleys09 at Dec 11, 2008,
#2
Since it's a song, I suppose you might have tried for simplicity, but with the different variety of feelings that drugs put you on, try making it a little more poetic. Throw in some metaphors. Also, I wouldn't use the word "high" so much. Especially in the chorus. I would reccomend changing the chorus around completely, while keeping the same meaning, but relating it in more abstract terms. Look at semi-charmed life by third eye blind. Beautiful drug metaphors in that song. At least in the chorus, try going for something in that style.

heres mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17353936#post17353936
#3
I agree about the chorus, I was actually thinking of dropping it all together and just having this run for basically one long verse. In regards to the simplicity, again I agree... the lyrics themselves don't dive as deep as they could, but I didn't want to get too wordy with the lines and just let it flow out as I was playing my guitar

Semi-charmed life is a great song, and I love your piece that you've linked, I wrote a small blurb on it
#4
Wow, its pretty good. I'm not too good with lyric crits so forgive me if its not excessively detailed :P:

I like the 3 line stanzas, its not too cliche. I can almost feel the negative emotions as I read it which is amazing. But as the previous user said, try using some metaphors etc.
Quote by dark&broken
I'd like to see any of those meathead homophobes look a Spartan in the eye and call him a fag.

#5
"Where the hell does this ever end?"
Doesn't technically make sense... does it?


"Til I'm crashing down and I realize I'm no longer high"
and
"Constant ups and down in life over and over again"
and also (but not so much so)
"as my toxic eyes tell me there's no need to cry"
felt too long to be one line, so unless you want to break the cute little three line stanza thing, I suggest re wording those.

Apart from that, it is very simple. Something I'm not complaining about however, as it is constant throughout.

Remember consistent capitalization. Do you want every line to start with a capital or not? Every "sentence"?

It was nice. As I said, cute.

C for C?
for you guys, link in sig.