#1
This is an extremely rough draft, spilling my thoughts.

---

I cannot sleep at night
this cold anticipation claws the walls
Repent, repent the end is nigh
I hold a secret
of things no one should ever know

Ember streaks the sky
Scars of what's now gone
The insomniac's dream is one
borne of plague and famine
yet to come

Set fire to these pages
Ink stains on the tip of my tongue
Serpentine lies stuck in my lungs
Choke, choke, on the ash

Streetside blasphemy or revelation
Blind is the prophet of the end
Hold your breathe, or feel the burn
Don't fall asleep, or kindle the flames
Fall, fall, down on down

On your knees
Bow down before
all that you leave behind
force the reflex
swallow the burden

Set fire to these pages, but
Ink still staining my tongue
Serpentine lies still choking my lungs
Burn, burn everything burns
Everything burns

The pale white horse, she rides
Seven wings, seven mouths
Each one of them a lie
Hold your breath, or feel the sting
in the eyes of lust now love

Unraveled is this mortal coil
Black is the sky, swallowed is our sun
Serpent come, the tapestry undone
Praise the king, of burning time
All for gold, and gold for naught

Soon the day will come
What all the world well knows, yet none knows well
The heaven that leads men to this hell


---

First revision, still probably very confusing, still very far from done. But hopefully somewhat better.

And yes, I shamelessly ripped off Shakespeare at the very end.
Last edited by Delanoir at Nov 30, 2008,
#2
its good for a first go
i feel like the short lines are keeping it constrained, where something in this confessional vein should flow more
also, it may be that im not grasping it, but parts of it dont seem to have purpose. for example, i dont really know what 'streetside blasphemy' is, and it isnt really developed here. i really like the line 'force the reflex' but the line before it 'bow down before' distracts from it. the idea doesnt really get resolved, and the reader is left thinking "bow down before WHAT?".
theres my crit, ide like to see another draft of this.
if you'd like to C4C, feel free to give this a look-see:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=999460
#3
Thanks, I appreciate the insight, as its very helpful.

I used to have a tendency to write in (at least comparatively) more complicated verse, but have since been trying to make it more simple in sense, as certain wording can work very well in the written medium, but cause trouble in the transition to vocal melody.

I'll definitely keep in mind what you said though, and have a new revision up soon. In the meantime I'll happily critique yours.
#4
First revision is up.

C4C, by the way, for anyone willing to give a worthwhile critique.

Thanks in advanced, all help is much appreciated.
#6
Awwwwh Max <3

-thinks-
I want to say they're good, but I think it seems as 'weak' as my lyrics do sometimes. Maybe scattered?
Ermm trying to be of help =\

But actually it's lovely, just maybe a bit scattered.
♥xx♥