#1
A sudden drift in cloud cover

dulled the afternoon with a sad
grey. There was a second where

my eyes held hers, and the light
fog gelled to rain, dripping steadily

from sullen skylids and into the
cracks on her cheeks. The weather

told of a departing lover. I answered
back with "I'll miss you, mother".
#2
Amazing. Simply.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
i love this style you've devolped, it's really nice to read and you always convey your emotions perfectly
#6
Thanks for the comments.

However, anything anyone can pick at? I'm always posting for something constructive, not complimentary, however nice it may be.
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
A sudden drift in cloud coverTo be perfectly honest i really don't like this line. I think its "a sudden drift", it just doesn't seem to work. Don't ask what you should have, i'm no good at that

dulled the afternoon with a sad
grey. There was a second where maybe "moment", i'm not sure about "second"

my eyes held hers, and the light
fog gelled to rain, dripping steadily

from sullen skylids and into the
cracks on her cheeks. The weather

told of a departing lover. I answered
back with "I'll miss you, mother".


Christ, i really had to nitpick that. I'm not lying, i was struggling to find anything wrong with it. But i tried, just for you
#8
i didn't like the word gelled. It didn't fit at all if you ask me. That's all i have really. Sorry
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#9
:P Jimi you're cute.

I'll hit you both back up, dudes.

I liked the image of the little droplets of fog gelling together and making rain. It seemed pretty.

Thankyou
#10
I liked your last couple much more than this. I'll edit why into this post sometime hopefully later tonight. Mostly just the detachment, the form, the varied syntax, and the wordiness of parts. But again, I'll elaborate later.
#11
Since you don't simply want a "beautiful", and I can't find anything in the content to be criticized, I'll focus on the presentation. I think you're missing a good opportunity with the arrangement. This reads at a pleasant pace, but the whole thing screams control. Fine, it's a good thing that the author can control how their piece sounds. In this case though the guidelines are too tight; there's no room for the reader to hear it how they'd like. It's uncomfortable.

I'll likely return when I figure out how to better explain it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#12
"a sad grey" seemed very cliche. the meaning was there, but it seemed lacking in inventive imagery. thats my only gripe. otherwise, good work.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror