#1
Ello' fellow S&L goers. Here's one fresh off the Word Document.


Hologram
Don’t want to wake up on the sunny side of the bed
So lay your head under my pillow
It’s the arctic under there
I never smile at carnivals,
Too much velocity to even spare a glare
And under monuments, left alone in decadence
Your daughter sleeps

I don’t write for dreamers and screamers
I don’t shell away my emptiness into text
Holo-Boy why can’t she taste your tears?
Holo-Girls hold your Holo-hands and disappear

When I wake up I see your projection
When I Wake up I see it, I see it explode

Don’t want to wake up under a midday moon
Listening to heart-felt, heart in hands,
Heart living, breathing, with nowhere to go
Instructional dilemma in my head
My dream, endeavors
Providing the perfect armada of sounds

I don’t write for dreamers and screamers
I don’t shell away my emptiness into text
Holo-Boy why can’t she taste your tears?
Holo-Girls hold your Holo-hands and disappear

When you wake up, scream
Little children why can’t you wake up
Little children living in wells

Last 2 lines will get repeated acouple of times,
I think.
C4C
this one is for you.
#2
just swinging by quickly, but i really enjoyed this. I'll give it a full crit a bit later.
#3
i never noticed that. THat's terrible (the fact that i'm the only one to crit Mosiac and this one) So i'm going to bump this for you, remind myself to give you a full crit, and order everyone who reads this to please, please crit. That's terrible
#4
When I Wake up I see it, I see it explode

that was the only line i think fell short. 'explode' is just kind of predictable, idk.
that might just be me being picky.
ive never read anything by you before but i loved this.
#5
I really like this, and really have nothing to pick from it.
The holo-bits where brilliant.
It just flows so well.
Congratulations.

...now I see why this has almost no replies, it's perfect.
#6
Don’t want to wake up on the sunny side of the bed
So lay your head under my pillow
It’s the arctic under there
I never smile at carnivals,
Too much velocity to even spare a glare
And under monuments, left alone in decadence
Your daughter sleeps

I found this to be a good opening stanza, it came off strong and didn't slow down. I really enjoyed the 'arctic under there' line and the two carnival lines.

I don’t write for dreamers and screamers
I don’t shell away my emptiness into text
Holo-Boy why can’t she taste your tears?
Holo-Girls hold your Holo-hands and disappear

This is a solid chorus structure. I enjoy it and I can hear it as a song right off the page.

When I wake up I see your projection
When I Wake up I see it, I see it explode

This is good, but like what Rushmore said, the explode is a bit 'iffy,' but you can keep it if you'd like, it continues the feeling of the chorus.

Don’t want to wake up under a midday moon
Listening to heart-felt, heart in hands,
Heart living, breathing, with nowhere to go
Instructional dilemma in my head
My dream, endeavors
Providing the perfect armada of sounds

I liked how you tied the waking up to the moon this time. The first line was the sun (which is generally the first thing one sees when they wake up around midday) and you juxtaposed this stanza with the moon. I liked the phrase 'perfect armada.'

I don’t write for dreamers and screamers
I don’t shell away my emptiness into text
Holo-Boy why can’t she taste your tears?
Holo-Girls hold your Holo-hands and disappear

When you wake up, scream
Little children why can’t you wake up
Little children living in wells

I thought this was a strong way to end your song, but I just didn't understand what ties in with the little children living in wells. This is basically the only real problem with your whole piece that I have. I don't mean to be picky at all, though. I'm sure it sounds great in the song.


This is the first thing I've read from you, and you've made a good first impression. I really like it and hope to see more from you. If you'd like to edit one of mine, you can find it here:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1013685