#1
This is my second try at lyric writing, and it came to me after a girl said she pittied me for not being an academic sort of person...weirdly enough i dont really plan to put this to music and the rhyme scheme was almost completely accidental..This doesn't go to music and isn't really a poem..i'm not sure what it is, it almost sounds like underground hip-hop for some reason..
Basically, im not sure were it came from, or for what purpose. :| But please comment on it

if you pity me ill gladly return the favour
dictated and defined by your holo-gramed paper
8 point-inhibitons front ligetimate stars
fast cars, wear my scars like medals on a major


blue heat reaction proves your worth your position.
effectively handing back the life you were given.
self help manuals and deep seated fear.
Making sure, you ingore, the live you failed to live in

Now,i'll be honest, im one of them people who think theyve written somthing good, then read a week later and hate it..would you pros mind helping me out?
#2
wow. if this is your second stab at penning lyrics, that is impressive. Nice stuff, odd rhyme scheme though, but that is something i personally like. as long as it fits the song.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
I disagree with above. The rhyme scheme makes sense to me, and it flows pretty well for type of music you want to do. Well written.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#4
Thanks freshtunes and dive right, ill look for your stuff and return the favour with some crits (Y)

Did it mean anything, invoke any thoughts?
#5
Personally, I liked the rhyme scheme and I found the words quite..on the literate side. You seem to be an advanced literate person that could really come up with some great stuff. =]
KatehMonster
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
Dude, if you were a lesbian asking out another lesbian in a man forum we would be going crazy too.
Quote by zerosystem
just because you're a girl and you get more pussy than me doesn't give you the right to brag.
#7
Quote by SpellItWrong
thanks breakingxxxcore! If only my old english teachers shared your opinions... lol

Haha, you're welcome.
KatehMonster
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
Dude, if you were a lesbian asking out another lesbian in a man forum we would be going crazy too.
Quote by zerosystem
just because you're a girl and you get more pussy than me doesn't give you the right to brag.
#8
I didn't think this went to music, but all your crits gave me cofidence to make some to it! so thanks guys. (Y)

Tried it out with the ol' band. Said there words were to long and it was to coded. meh
Last edited by SpellItWrong at Dec 1, 2008,
#9
Very literate for a second try.
Very literate for any try, really.

Legitimate
Hologrammed
I'll
You're
eight, not 8
Varying degrees of punctuation and capitalization

Mistakes?
#11
Mistakes were unintentional, im no ace at grammer but ill try and improve cheers for pointing it out mate . And thanks emily!
Last edited by SpellItWrong at Dec 3, 2008,