#1
It's five in the morning
I can't sleep, can't stop thinking about you
Your picture in front of me, my pencil in hand
I'm writing how this goes (ps, no.... it wasn't)
You don't know how much it hurt me
To hurt you like I did
I thought Ii could live without you
I tried to run you off, to break you off

But I was wrong
I want... I need you
More than you could ever know
I thought you would just tear me apart
But without you I'm just falling apart anyways
You've already seen the worst of me
All that's left is the rest, my best, you'll see

I've got more than you could ever imagine
Wrong with me.....
I thought I could handle myself
But I was fooled, I abused you
I need you to hold me back, calm me down
I know I've made you learn to hate me
I thought I would be better off without you

So pull me out of this selfish cycle
This Anger, this Hate that's me
I need you to lean on, to hold me up
All I need is you to....

So break me out, don't put me down
Don't push me off the edge
All these things that are wrong with me
They just go away when I think of you
Its almost as if you came to save me....

_______________________________________________

Before u ask.... yes.... I'm messed up.... :p
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Mar 27, 2009,
#2
Well, I owe you a crit from Doppelganger Rose (thanks for that by the way ) so I thought I'd crit the one you wrote that hadn't been critted. I'd be happy to crit some others as well if you want. Anyways, on to the crit:
"I'm writing how how this goes" - was the repetition of "how" intentional? If so, I miss the meaning
"I tried to run you off, to break you off" - This line seems a little too long for the flow from the others. But I liked the idea of trying to run somebody off I suppose. I don't know why...
"I thought you would just tear me apart
But without you I'm just falling apart anyways" - I really liked this. The idea of falling apart because you tried to avoid being torn apart just seemed like a blunt, short and sweet way to say it I suppose. The next two lines though I don't like as much. I like the internal rhyme-ish you have going in the last line, but the repetition between "see" and "seen" kinda bothered me. I like the idea, perhaps there's a better way to say it... Wish I could provide an example, but I'm sorta running on empty right now
The rest of it was pretty good. What seemed to be holding this back from greatness was it seemed a tad bit cliche in the language. The usage of "edge" and some other common themes were stated somewhat plainly. I liked this, but I would love to see it take on a more unique spin, perhaps by finding a fresh way to express the ideas, for instance in the last two stanzas. Those lines seem somewhat plain, standard. But if you were to find a new, fresh way to express those same ideas, it would be spectacular. Perhaps try using a thesaurus if you don't already (I do, it isn't cheating ) and perhaps an idiom dictionary to try to find some interesting little phrases you can use. I've never used an idiom dictionary before (here's one: http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/) bu I think I'm going to start, because one simple little phrase that's twisted or used in an interesting way can bring a whole new life to what you're writing. Best of luck, and I really hope this helped! PM me if you take the time to rework this. Peace!
#3
ya....

I know it's pretty cliche, it's from the "before time", as in before I started taking it seriously
Also, this is, as zc would say, to get me laid.... sorta

n no, thank you for writing DR, that was better than Robert Frost imo
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Mar 27, 2009,
#5
"I'm writing how this goes (ps, no.... it wasn't)" What's the parentheses?
"I tried to run you off, to break you off" the flow is off here.
I also think it should just be "but I'm just falling apart anyways"

Other than that, it's okay.
But too cliche (which is what you were trying to do it looks like)