#1
This is the first rap i've ever written, I kinda based it on being sort of a RATM song.


Crayon scribbled words on cardboard signs,
Show more truth than religious shrines,
And if you look hard enough you're likely to find,
That these realized truth's will blow your mind.

The government says whatever will appease us,
Just a secretive sheet as they try to seize us.
Try to spread the word but noone will believe us,
Their dominated minds just can't perceive us.

So we try to start an army but we just aren't able,
They got people spying underneath every table.
Want us to believe that where we are is stable,
But we realize this is just a well orchestrated fable.

Now they dominate,
and recreate,
everything we used to hate,
No use trying to debate,
their ability to discriminate,
ability to desecrate.
But it's not too late,
to procreate a new fate.
Just await the day,
when we get straight a new estate.
#4
Crayon scribbled words on cardboard signs,
Show more truth than religious shrines, (Great first lines)
And if you look hard enough you're likely to find,
That these realized truth's will blow your mind. (Remove "that")

The government says whatever will appease us,
Just a secretive sheet as they try to seize us. (Sheet?)
Try to spread the word but no one will believe us,
Their dominated minds just can't perceive us. (Last two lines are great)

So we try to start an army but we just aren't able,
They got people spying underneath every table.
Want us to believe that where we are is stable,
But we realize this is just a well orchestrated fable. (Very good)

Now they dominate,
and recreate,
everything we used to hate,
No use trying to debate,
their ability to discriminate,
ability to desecrate.
But it's not too late,
to procreate a new fate.
Just await the day,
when we get straight a new estate.

Great rap. I like the message, I like the rhymes. Thumbs up!!!!

If you want to crit one of mine, click the link.

My Body, My Temple, My Mind, My Prison
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1010533
#5
Quote by IamOmega
Crayon scribbled words on cardboard signs,
Show more truth than religious shrines, (Great first lines)
And if you look hard enough you're likely to find,
That these realized truth's will blow your mind. (Remove "that")

The government says whatever will appease us,
Just a secretive sheet as they try to seize us. (Sheet?)
Try to spread the word but no one will believe us,
Their dominated minds just can't perceive us. (Last two lines are great)

So we try to start an army but we just aren't able,
They got people spying underneath every table.
Want us to believe that where we are is stable,
But we realize this is just a well orchestrated fable. (Very good)

Now they dominate,
and recreate,
everything we used to hate,
No use trying to debate,
their ability to discriminate,
ability to desecrate.
But it's not too late,
to procreate a new fate.
Just await the day,
when we get straight a new estate.

Great rap. I like the message, I like the rhymes. Thumbs up!!!!

If you want to crit one of mine, click the link.

My Body, My Temple, My Mind, My Prison
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1010533


Yes, I do like the sound of the line without "that" a lot better. And by sheet, like a bed sheet, something covering it up. Thanks for the crit, I'll give you one now!
#6
Quote by Jukeboxguitar
This is the first rap i've ever written, I kinda based it on being sort of a RATM song.


Crayon scribbled words on cardboard signs,
Show more truth than religious shrines,
And if you look hard enough you're likely to find,
That these realized truth's will blow your mind.

I too think that "That" just breaks the flow here. Apart from that, very solid, and very RATM, which is good

The government says whatever will appease us,
Just a secretive sheet as they try to seize us.
Try to spread the word but noone will believe us,
Their dominated minds just can't perceive us.

There's something wrong with the first line flow wise, but i can't put my finger on it. There's just one syllable too many. Apart from that another strong verse

So we try to start an army but we just aren't able,
They got people spying underneath every table.
Want us to believe that where we are is stable,
But we realize this is just a well orchestrated fable.

This is the best verse so far, very strong, and some great rhyming,r eally powers along

Now they dominate,
and recreate,
everything we used to hate,
No use trying to debate,
their ability to discriminate,
ability to desecrate.
But it's not too late,
to procreate a new fate.
Just await the day,
when we get straight a new estate.

This was brilliant except for the last line. I canr eally here this in my head


I'm a sucker for a great rap, especially in the style of RATM, and you nailled it with this piece. It's really easy to read, flows fantastically, except for every now and again, and the message is very strong. Well done
#7
Quote by kdownes
I'm a sucker for a great rap, especially in the style of RATM, and you nailled it with this piece. It's really easy to read, flows fantastically, except for every now and again, and the message is very strong. Well done


Thank you! I appreciate the crit. I will get one your way now.
#10
Quote by SeeEmilyPlay
Not bad- definitely reminded me of ratm... I'd like to hear it!


I'm getting a recorder for christmas so I'll see if I can get something done by then, then I'll post it.