#1
The humming in the summer night

calling me back to everything i ever loved

and every moment spent at a happy height

to those still here and those above

it's the clicking of that old zippo and it sets my world ablaze


it's fresh cut lawn in home state, zip, and town

hammock cradled afternoons to pass easily

sweet sun tea underneath our willow's gown

with the ever present scent of road trip gasoline

it's the match that lit our barbecue and it's set my world ablaze


its holding warm hands on the chillest nights

and 1 year in our names up on that marquee

always spending days just sharing sights

ah, the last light house before the sea

its shooting stars in your eyes, maxing out in centigrade and they've set my world ablaze


It was your last words and hallowed testament

that struck me like a bullet would

they gasped and cried when you said there what you meant

it was your life to take but i never knew you could

it was the explosion in the pistol chamber, and it set my world ablaze


it's that forever type sensation

and the comfort of my home

the way you love me to elation

and even friends who pass to bone

call me what you will but, sir, i am no liar, in all ways its always true - I live to be on Fire


--William
#2
Thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I like the consistent fire imagery you used here Also there;s something about this poem that feels so homey and comforting, which I dig as well. The only problem I have is the last lines of the stanzas. They just seem to trip up the flow. I think if you drop the "it's" those lines wouldn't be so jerky to read. Anyways, nice job, man
#3
I agree with what has been said on the last line of each stanza.

However, I'd recommend a line break before the "and" each time.
EXCEPT in the last stanza, which I recommend to have the last line re-written in a whole new way.

Also:
Change "1" to "one".
Is lighthouse not one word? My spellchecker seems to think so (it shares the same opinion on spellchecker, but not spell check, weird, huh?)


C for C? Link in sig, it's for you guys.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 2, 2008,
#5
Thanks for getting to mine. This was nice. The main problem is, it just didn't carry enough content to really hold my attention. It just seemed to drag on. I got the sentiment after the first two stanzas; and to drag it out that long was just asking me to get bored with it. I say cut it down... pick out the most solid section (to me the first two stanzas got it done) and let it stay short and keep its impact... by the time I got through this.. I just didnt' care anymore because it had dragged out and lost all emotional connection with me.

Also, I hated your last line. It took all of the imagery and ideas you'd spent so long developing and just put it out there so plainly and bluntly that it made me question why you took the time to write more than just that sentence. Leave it somewhat vague and leave it to me to interpret.

This was nice; not spectacular... but could definitely do with some pruning.

-zC