#1
hot off the press; woke up, wrote this down, and posted. Haven't even re-read it. c4c. if I owe you (i'm gonna try to get back to everyone in the next couple days now that I'm back from holiday) leave a link in this thread.


I re-met Brittany today.
She told me I was a shower head that
made everything smell like piss.
Well, she didn't really;
but if she was poetic, she would have.
I found out she loved me once,
that time I held her hand in the theater
and listened to some under-rated scientist
prove to me that Darwin was Jesus (minus the bad-ass beard).
Yeah, apparently that was love and
I completely missed it; I didn't even know she liked me.

I helped Kelli with physics last week.
She proposed to me...
again.
Offered to break-up with her boyfriend and
fuck me in the library if I would just say
"I love you" and mean it.
Her mom thinks we should get married and make baby Zach's.
Kelli told me she cries at night when she dreams of me.

My fiance tells me I lead those girls on.
That introducing me to their parents and friends and families
should have told me, "Hey! They like me."
But I was still too worried about getting my
circle circle dot dot's in;
since I was too socially awkward to build an immunity to cooties.
#2
this is weird.. not bad weird.. but it has a poetic element to i didn't see coming.. anyway good use of punctuation.. and well.. even i fit took ya 5 minutes to put to words it's a very well developed short story.. and I wish i could fit all those elements in to such a small space

--William
#4
Wow, emotion. I'm stunned Zach, you're making me connect with you and characters. Damn. This is rather well written, but some parts were a bit dodgy. like "circle circle dot dot's" I can see what you're after, but this doesn't work, at least for me. Actually, that whole last stanza is a lot weaker than the other two. I think Stanza II is the strongest one, the first stanza is a bit rambly and uninteresting. I might come back if i have any more thoughts on this. THere's a link in my sig (click "communicate") if you want to crit something
#5
^ I believe that the "Circle Circle Dot Dot" fits in well. I sure as hell wasn't expecting an ending like that and it really made me want to read through it a couple more times.

About Brittany, what did she really say to you? Or is that for me to decide?
The jump into "I found out she loved me once" was a bit abrupt for my taste,
but lead into my favorite line I've read in a long time...

Darwin was Jesus (minus the bad-ass beard).
This made me laugh. Then I was thinking... hmm, thats ironic. Seriously, my favorite part.

Last two lines about Kelli (and her mum :]) I personally think the stanza would be better if you voided it out.

The final line is a little wordy.

:]
Promises meant a lot back then.
#6
I'm usually having a hard time trying to adjust to your writing style and all.
But this flew through me perfectly. I read it all the way without having to stop and re-read over a confusing line, harsh line break or badly worded sentences. That's a good start.

I liked this a lot, and, since I only read it once, I can't really say if it's good or bad writing, but I will surely remember this.

Thanks.
#8
This is not what I was expecting at all.

- "and listened to some under-rated scientist
prove to me that Darwin was Jesus (minus the bad-ass beard)."


- This is the only section I will grumble over. To start, I don't know actually what it is you are trying to say. Secondly, it's just stuck in there and feels irrelevant and overtly pointed. I don't give a **** about what you think about Darwin. I care about what your life is like: How you feel about getting married; how you feel about having old girlfriends and falling for one of them? If I am missing something important here and being totally irrational and ignorant, I sincerely apologize.
If it is what I think it is, I believe you could of used something so much more attainable and less controversial to convey your philosophies. I hate when poems talk about something so beautiful as this and ruin it by adding some quip about society, or any of that religious bullcrap. I'm a very religious person (I am actually a Jehovah's Witness), but I don't like clutter in a piece like this. I hope I am understood there and not mistaken.

- "
I re-met Brittany today.
She told me I was a shower head that
made everything smell like piss.
Well, she didn't really;
but if she was poetic, she would have."


- Now this is good writing, except I also fail to see it's relevance according to the rest of the piece. I can sense a certain something omitting from it; like I kinda know what you are saying, but I don't fully, at the same time. And that discomfort and unknowing is not suitable or required in this piece, if you ask me.

It has taken me quite some time, but the "circle circle dot dot" reference has actually grown on me and I think it suits the piece very well. It feels so much more humbling than your normal analogies and it's almost childish. It helps the reader see your confusion and disarmament by giving them a little snippet of something funny, nutty and seemingly pointless.

Very OTS, and very good for that simple reason. I'd like to see more of this from you.

Digitally Clean
#10
Thanks all.

Dan; that line has nothing to do with my preferences at all. It really was what the seminar was about; proving to me that Darwin is a modern day jesus sent to deliver us from the evils of religion. The shower-head thing was a reference to the fact that she called me out for "breaking her heart" and she literally did tell me that I ruined everything I touch that was good... including her.

Thanks everyone else. Glad you finally liked something Dylan
#11
I just had to think about your writing in a different way. You definitely bring a different style/perspective to the forum and I'm more grateful for that today then I was the last year or so (for whatever reason).

maybe it was me being jealous for your modship and engagement... nah.
#12


I dunno, I think his beard is pretty bad ass.

Other then that, its good. No one has mentioned the title though, its good!
"Good and evil lay side by side as electric love penetrates the sky"
#14
I read this when first posted and neglected to comment on it, mostly because I didn't have much in terms of constructive criticism. I was terrifically impressed this was unrevised as you put it, because it has great structure and the read was incredibly easy for me. I definitely enjoy this more personal approach you've taken lately, and for someone who claims to lack emotion, you sure do a good job of capturing it. Like I said, I didn't have much to complain about before, and I still don't. Thanks for all of your comments on mine, I'll definitely try to employ them soon, and I will definitely read and comment on your next piece, as I think this one was just a cop-out.


PS: The "circle circle" thing has gone completely over my head, so if you'd be kind enough to explain, I'd appreciate it.
#17
I really liked it
Very 'down to earth' and pretty easy for others to relate to.
Nothing else constructive to say, sorry
C4C if you want, but you're not obliged as I haven't said much here
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#18
I read this last night before bed and I was meaning to come back to and now I am. First off the title is very nice and even though I don't think many readers would know what the title means it does draw the interest of the reader. The piece as a whole emanated a sense of being oblivious to the things going on in our life. I really enjoyed the second stanza the most. It has the strongest imagery of the piece and really brings out the message of the piece well. The last line of the last stanza however is my favorite of the whole piece. If you could look at one my pieces I would very much appreciate and look forward to your thoughts. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1013270
#20
This is so alive. I dig it, man.

She proposed to me...
again.
Offered to break-up with her boyfriend and
**** me in the library if I would just say
"I love you" and mean it.


So raw and raunchy. This was my favorite part.

And I know how it is bro...pimpin' ain't easy!

(freeze tag, please)