#1
In my dreams I saw a man, with lightning in his hands
Shooting from the earth, his feet buried in the sand
Jesus Christ pose, his hands bound to others like him;
And with a single word he ends the day, and night overwhelms
Now I sit alone with the man who ended the world
And the dream ends



New sort of thing for me, more of a poem than a song.
C4C
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
Last edited by ChemicalFire at Dec 1, 2008,
#2
Quote by ChemicalFire
In my dreams I saw a man, with lightning in his hands
Shooting from the earth, his feet buried in the sand
Jesus Christ pose, his hands bound to others like him

Don't think this line fits with the rest, but maybe that's just me

And with a single word he ends the day and night overwhelms
Now I sit alone with the man who ended the world
And the dream ends


Repetition of the word "ends" but not such a big deal.

New sort of thing for me, more of a poem than a song.
C4C


I liked it overall, even though it was a bit short

Maybe you should work on making it longer?

And maybe you should check out my lyrics

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1012060
#3
I really, really enjoyed this. The flow of the first two lines is exceptional.

L4, comma after day?
#4
Quote by ginjaninja


L4, comma after day?


Taken into account, thanks

Quote by Static The Band

Maybe you should work on making it longer?


I do want to continue it further, but I'm not sure where to take it right now
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#5
I honestly enjoyed this.
I have no critique. =]
KatehMonster
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#7
Thanks for the comments guys, I wanna try and make it into more of a song at some point
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!