#1
I am not a good example of what a
female should be.
I am an old rubber that you found under your bed,
from an old lay,
something to be thrown away.
I never was much for setting examples.
I am more of the
what-not-to-be picture.
Hide me from your childrens eyes,
I am your example of what shouldn't be.
Never-happened.
#3
Are you talking to adults in this poem because the average reader here doesn't have kids? I am asking that because you said, "your childern's eyes." Try saying "the children's eyes." Why does it say never-happened? Also I would say girl instead of female. Female has this biological connotation, and it makes it seem like you might have a pecker when you say I'm not what a female should be. But if you say girl . . . It will sound better, and the connotation will fit what your trying to say.
Last edited by Nike-Man at Dec 1, 2008,
#4
Because, its supposed to be from someones point of veiw who you wouldnt want your children seeing, you pretned it never happened, that people like that don't exist because you dont want to accept the darkness in the world. Thats why.
I was directing it at my english teacher.
#5
and, I say female because females shouldnt be dirt, but thats what the point of veiw is from, a trashy female.
#6
I am an old rubber that you found under your bed,...

who you wouldnt want your children seeing


people who find random rubbers under thier bed usualy dont have kids
fight the power... with peace

Originally Posted by Cockpuncher 2.0
Fail town, population you


When God said "Let there be light", Joey Jordison said "Say please".

Man is a universe within himself
Bob Marley
Pox!
#8
Quote by inthegreyx
Because, its supposed to be from someones point of veiw who you wouldnt want your children seeing, you pretned it never happened, that people like that don't exist because you dont want to accept the darkness in the world. Thats why.
I was directing it at my english teacher.


The darkness in the world or the darkness in you? I really am not trying to be a dick here. I love poetry! I understand that it is about someone who shouldn't be shown to children, but the audience or reader of the poem is "you" in the poem. So I was pointing out the fact that when I read this, it tells me not to show you to my children, but I don't have children. So to fix that problem you could say, "Hide me from the children's eyes" Then it wouldn't be saying I have kids. I think if you are trying to make a poem about darkness in the world, you shouldn't draw so much negativity towards just yourself. It seems too self reflective to be about the world. After I read this I got this vibe like you sarcastically feel like you're evil and slutty, and you don't want anyone to let you influence others with your dark kinky ways. Again I understand why you said female, but it would sound a lot better if you said girl. If you say girl, its like you are a slutty bad girl and no one should let there kids hang out with you because you might **** them up. I also think slutty is a harsh word, but you compared yourself to an old condom from an old lay. That means you are just another notch in the belt. I hope I helped. If this poem's true intent is to show your english teacher the darkness in the world, you should try a different approach. This approach degrades your opinion before it is even conveyed. Finally, I think you are full of shiit! because your way too cute to be compared to a used condom ; )
Last edited by Nike-Man at Dec 1, 2008,
#10
Honestly, you haven't received very strong criticisms here. The 'critics' have just spewed out the smallest things they can find and have held onto it for dear life. I don't intend on attacking them, but I just felt strongly about how they treated your piece. They're making everything an ad hominem attack rather than looking at your piece and dealing with it. They don't have to like it, but if they say they hate it, they should at least give it a proper look instead of treating it like school boys with a magnifying glass. Everything everyone writes should be treated with respect, whether or not the reader agrees with it. You've remained impeccably patient and I commend you for that. I will try and give you a critique that will actually help you. But if not, at least I tried.


I am not a good example of what a
female should be.


Here I might agree with what was said before about 'female.' When I was reading it my first inclination was to substitute 'woman' or something. However, on my second read-through I decided that it was up to your personal preference. I understand what you meant by female, it sounds detached and almost darkly self-effacing (in a less playful manner, but not quite self-loathing).


I am an old rubber that you found under your bed,
from an old lay,
something to be thrown away.


I found these lines to have good flow, the metaphor feeds the motif of the woman who has a poor self-image of herself without going too far over the line of cliche. The rhyme is also used cleverly and contributes to the flow already present in the piece. The dark detachment also continues well, driving your central theme forward with focus and precision.

I never was much for setting examples.
I am more of the
what-not-to-be picture.
Hide me from your childrens eyes,
I am your example of what shouldn't be.
Never-happened.

I felt this next part was also strong and concluded your piece very well. The children's eyes part is also good, but maybe I am the example of what they shouldn't be or something, because the way you have it makes it sound like the narrator is suggesting that she should have never been alive. The one part about this I didn't like, however, is the 'never-happened' part. I felt that after building up such a strongly-moving piece, you ended it rather abruptly, leaving the reader saying "Oh, O.K." You've already exhibited skills in drawing the reader in, but as strong as you made this piece, I feel as if you can write a stronger ending to really leave the reader walking away with a "Wow, that was good" sentiment. The piece as a whole is still very rough and might need slight tweaking here and there; but this is a great start, and I look forward to reading more from you. Thank you very much for sharing this and being patient with their criticisms. I hope I helped in some way. Have a good one.
#11
Wow, thank you Milo, that was an impressive crit.
I don't get those often,
just your typical, run-of-the-mill , "I don't understand this..." or "wtf did that mean??!11!"

I didn't like the ending either, I just havent found the proper way to end it yet. I veiw this as more of a work in progress, I'll probably get around to another stanza.

Thank you for the input.
#12
No problem at all. I hope I helped you in some way, I'm sure you'll come up with a way to finish it. If you'd like to take a look at one of my works in progress, I'd greatly appreciate the crit (don't worry, you don't have to type very much, I just went overboard because I enjoyed your piece).

You can find it here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1013685