#1
Well, here it is, Part II of my ever-expanding short story. I seemed to get a lot of response from the otehr one, so I've been writing like mad. Hope you like it. You can find part one here.

Pt .II

They warned me about this, I remember now. “Subjects may become disorientated and confused upon re-animation, and should be eased gradually into the new world.” Well, obviously they forgot to wait around for me, because as far as I could see, apart from my four dead, frozen companions, there was no one here. I wondered how long I had to live now. When I made the decision to be frozen, the cancer was in its severe stages, having moved from my lungs, and hitchhiked to every conceivable destination. I had days to live, if that. I guess that I had probably been re-animated for a day, maybe two. I did not feel sick, in fact, apart from my collection of self-inflicted injuries, I felt fine, better than I had in a long, long (well, you get the idea) time. A calendar hung on the far wall, a stark contrast to the clinical blankness. 2032 was written underneath the smiling bodacious babe, who gestured with hands and breasts while leaning provocatively against what I could only guess was a car of some type. Something told me it was not 2032 anymore, however, mainly due to the fact that the cardboard had begun to rot. Whatever had happened here, it was bad. Very bad. I seriously doubted there was anyone left alive.

Having nothing better to do, I decided it was time to see how well my re-animated muscles worked. Frankly, my bits and pieces were getting a bit tired of flapping out in the wind, and I was worried they were going to fall off if the temperature dropped anymore. Not even the harsh sunlight could take away the sharp bite of the wind, especially in those certain, ahh, sensitive areas. So, shivering and stiff, I began to half-limp, half-stumble across the room towards the open door. Vague memories floated in as I walked along the deserted holes. DR. FRANKENREITER. Ahh, who could ever forget a name like that? I remembered the copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein he had proudly displayed on his desk, as if the joke wasn’t obvious to all who saw his name. The man himself was the kind of person you’d walk past in the street without giving so much as a second glance. He was moderately tall, with an average face, brown eyes and neat brown hair. Even his glasses were small and neat. It was as if he was trying to live down the stereotype of his name. A few other names rang some bells. Here, the nurse’s office, were the kindly old woman had examined every inch of my weak and ravaged body, all the while informing me of her five children and eight grandchildren (“and a ninth on the way, Frank and Julie’s third, could you believe? Well, yes, I suppose you could.&rdquo And here, the waiting room, where the large-breasted secretary had sat, bent forward at just the right angle to show just how large her breasts were to anyone who cared to look. Also, here was the skeleton, proudly named Bonesy by the workers, still standing upright with his faded Fedora hat (surely this must be a new hat, after all these years?) Apart from his recent addition of cobwebs, he still looked as new as he had 40 odd years ago. Now, if I could only remember where the closets had been?

Now dressed, I sat down in the waiting room and pondered over what I knew so far. After spending a few decades dead and frozen, the old brain wasn’t working at one-hundred percent. Would it surprise you to learn that I was a world renowned scientist? Huh, probably would after my earlier outburst. The mind is an interesting thing. I probably could have gone into Neurology if I wanted to, but Nuclear Physics was my forte. Also, the whole playing with fire, large explosions and danger appealed to my risk-taking side. I was damn good, even being nominated for a Nobel Prize not once, but twice. I probably would’ve been nominated again, maybe even won it (finally), had it not been for the cancer. On my 32nd birthday, I went in for a routine check-up and prostate exam. Yep, you’ve probably guessed it. I had an early, but highly dangerous form of pancreatic cancer. Little did I know that by the end of the next year, it would have spread over the majority of my body; and lead to my decision to freeze myself.

By the end of my 33rd year on Earth, the pain had become so bad I was permanently bed-ridden, barely able to work any of my muscles. I had begun to waste away, my skin becoming pasty and melding with my bones. I could have easily been mistaken for a mummified corpse, and I pretty much smelt like one too. So, with nothing better to do, I spent day after day on the internet searching for a legal way to kill myself. It was on that holy of holies that I discovered Cryogenic Freezing.
Last edited by kdownes at Dec 3, 2008,
#3
well, i have to say that this part made my opinion of the whole thing increase ever so much. now it reads like what it should be - a story - instead of something floating between prose and free verse, which didn't really work anyway.

problem is, now you've got me hooked. this is a problematic drug. :P
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#4
Quote by spike_8bkp
Jesus + Einstein + Demolition Man = This story. I can't wait to read more.


Wow, that's one heck of a compliment. Ahh, what's Demolition Man? And to RPExecutor, I'm glad you found it addictive. my job is done. Thanks guys
#5
Demolition Man was a Sly Stone/Wesley Snipes/Sandra Bullock/Dennis Leary movie from 1996, in which the two arch enemies, a cop and an uber criminal (guess who they are!) are both put in cryostasis for thirty something years, only to both get out at the same time (conveniently for the plot) and get used to a post-apocalyptic war in which it was prophesied that Arnold Schwarzenegger would one day be president (not seven years later, he was the guv-nuh) and battle one another, blah blah blah. Good 90's action movie. Have alcohol or pot on hand to watch, however. You might consult it for research purposes
#6
sounds interesting. I'm not going to tell anyone anything about this story, but it is rather diferent to that. Just wait and see, all shall be revealed
#7
Quote by kdownes
Wow, that's one heck of a compliment. Ahh, what's Demolition Man? And to RPExecutor, I'm glad you found it addictive. my job is done. Thanks guys


demolition man is storytelling on par with the bible, but with better acting (i'm giving you the finger right now, mel gibson). anyway, i'll be back to let you know how i feel about this.
#8
"the cancer was in its severe stages, having moved from my lungs, and hitchhiked to every conceivable destination."

Easily the best sentence I've read all morning.

Anyway, Your creation of this Nobel Prize nominee for a lazy Neurologist/settle for Nuclear Physicist character wasn't too great, I found it hard to believe that when you gave us the information. It felt like you had a character in your head, and then labeled him Scientist, instead of characterizing him as a scientist.

Whatever, I'm still hooked.


EDIT: C4C? You are one of my favourite critique-ers on here, and I've just out something new up.
For You Guys, in sig.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 2, 2008,
#12
The second part was infinitely better than the first. I'll comment both here instead of resurrecting the first.

I

It, frankly, dragged. If I may be so bold as to say this, it seems like something I would have tried and found exceedingly clever and mind-bending about 6 months ago. Using all the asides and what not. I still love the tone it carries, but it really does damage the sense of a coherent story when you are working with a limited space the way you are. If you had 400 pages to develop character, tone, narrator, story, content, etc... then it could work... but you jumped out of the gates wiht so much underlying sarcasm it was hard to tell what was a joke, what wasn't, and whether I should give two-****s about what was going on. I do think Jammy was a bit over-the-top in saying it has to be "completely" calculated. I see what he means... he means everything needs to be there with a purpose; but I feel you had that... you just weren't sure where to stop on this section. Everything was there to develop bite and cynicism and a taste for the narrating style... you just seemed to get lost in developing that and not give me enough content to justify the amount of words I was wading through. Still, it hooked me.


II

This section showed much more control and promise. You covered SO much more material here; it never seemed to start dragging to me. I'd say part I could use a full re-hash now that you've developed a consistent tone for your narrator. Go back now that you've got a feel for the tone and style you're carrying (this was so much more believable) and re-hash the first section. Cut some stuff out, trim it down so every line and idea pack as much punch as you can shove in them.

Your nuclear physics thing bugged the hell out of me; because I am a physics person. Atomic Physicists have almost nothing to do with "large explosions." They simply study the make up of the atom. You are describing high energy/particle physics. I felt the Nobel thing was too much. I got the idea... I didn't need that; and honestly it drew me so far out of the character that the bite behind it was lost and the information gained didn't warrant the distraction from the straight development of character.

Other discrepancies:

How did he know it was 40 odd years ago if he didn't know what year it was?

The calendar sentiment in general didn't come out smoothly. The execution needs refining. About the rotting cardboard of whatever.

You didn't set the scene well. I got where you were... but; it took me a second read to realize what you were talking about with the other bodies on the floor etc. You need to build the image more instead of just saying "body on floor." Give me some sensory details. A lot of this needs some expanding to really make it hit. You packed soo much in this one, that you never really put each part to its potential. Stretch some of it out. This room is a big deal. This doctor's office is a big deal. It's all we as readers have so far. Give us a description that isn't "white and clinical." The narrator is a big deal; he's the only steady character we have so far... describe him. Have him check himself over as he stands up or something. If I may recommend a line, "The important bits were still there; hanging low as always." or something. You want to continue to develop the bitter and off-kilter sense of humor he was so proud of still having in the first one.


You have a LOT to do to clean these up and make them truly presentable beyond a "read once and chuckle" value. But I think it would be well worth it. It's a solid start.
#13
Ok, I forgot. So, this is much better and I got more entangled than the first piece by far. Many of the mistakes I mentioned on the first part did not persist on this one. I just have liked to read this so much... (I feel something's wrong in this sentence, I'm just tired). I can't say anything else right now, sorry for such a shi-tty comment, I may return to do a more deep crit on this.

Good Job Kyle.
#14
i really enjoyed part one and i really liked this one too. im much too tired to go all out and crit this fully so for now ill just say i admire your writing and this was great.