#1
this was actually the first piece I had ever written, about 2 years ago. Some constructive criticism and reviews would be great. thanks

Verse 1
Look into my eyes and tell me what you see,
Just take one glance, you know that it’s free.
Tell me as you peer deep within,
Are they full of life or filled with sin?

Walking down the road I see your face,
Gotta struggle hard just to keep my pace.
My legs fall week and my face meets the ground,
Deep inside my mind I hear a familiar sound.

Chorus
The world keeps falling down around my knees,
I’m begging now, somebody help me please!
I’m screaming so loud my lungs are sore,
I just don’t think I can fight no more.

The world keeps falling, getting worse and worse.
We need to pull on strong, gonna beat this curse.
Pull ourselves together, I swear that we can win,
Throw myself out there as a man among men.

Verse 2
I see you running, just as fast as you can,
Everyone knows that you got up and ran.
I did nothing wrong, you are the one to blame,
Now that you are gone it can never be the same.

Why is this happening, what did I do?
Something had to happen, I wish that I knew.
Never come back, you are no longer a friend,
I’m never gonna give up till the very end.

Chorus
The world keeps falling down around my knees,
I’m begging now, somebody help me please!
I’m screaming so loud my lungs are sore,
I just don’t think I can fight no more.

The world keeps falling, getting worse and worse.
We need to pull on strong, gonna beat this curse.
Pull ourselves together, I swear that we can win,
Throw myself out there as a man among men.

Verse 3
Nobody loves you, do you see you were wrong?
Have you finally figured out the jist of this song?
It’s your turn to cry, I told you I would win.
I realize now, that you are full of sin.
#2
well, the premise was good, but i thought it was slightly ruined by the rhyme being a bit cheesy. if you want my opinion on strong songwriting, i think meaningful lyrics should come first. rhyme isn't necessary - it's just a device that can add some extra flavor sometimes.

anyway, i liked the general flow of the song and the way it changed slowly to a more black and empty side of things.
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#3
Quote by RPExecutor
well, the premise was good, but i thought it was slightly ruined by the rhyme being a bit cheesy. if you want my opinion on strong songwriting, i think meaningful lyrics should come first. rhyme isn't necessary - it's just a device that can add some extra flavor sometimes.

anyway, i liked the general flow of the song and the way it changed slowly to a more black and empty side of things.


Yeah, this was back when I was a newbie to song writing so I thought rhyming was a necessity. After listening to some Bloc Party a lot, I have found that rhyming is not needed at all.