#1
OTS, let me know your thoughts and I'll be sure to spread some love around.


I work soft dreams with rough hands
conduct big time business
in denim and plaid
desperately wishing
to be faux-working class
kindergarten passed
but I still paint still life
with my fingers.

and if people asked me
"how do you do it?"
I wouldn't have
an answer anyway.
I haven't finished yet.
Last edited by rush4life at Dec 2, 2008,
#3
the only thing i didn't like about this was "big time business".

Everything else was fantastic.
#6
and if people asked me
"how do you do it?"
I wouldn't have
an answer anyway.
I haven't finished yet.

i think the line break between the 3rd and 4th lines is a little abrupt/rough and interrupts the flow a bit, this could just be the way i was reading it though. otherwise, very nice work. short/simple/ect.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1011474
here is my piece if you could just say a word or two since i didnt really say much here.
#7
^ I agree.

This was sweet. I'm not entirely sure the second stanza gave enough punch though. The line breaks make it a bit of a let down for me, the last three lines also have a different flow to the rest of the poem (which flows wonderfully) and I think a change like that so near the end kind of deflates the piece. Those three lines are almost there, but not quite and that not quite is emphasised by the line break.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I really liked that
Only two things let it down a bit for me.
'still paint still life'

Using 'still' twice almost sounds like you ran out of words. (to me anyway) Although, I can't think of an alternative that keeps the flow.

The other 'let down' is the line break in the last stanza:
and if people asked me
"how do you do it?"
I wouldn't have
an answer anyway.

I haven't finished yet

I don't really 'get' why you put the line break in there.

Apart from that, I loved it

C4C? see sig. any will do
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#9
Quote by rush4life
OTS, let me know your thoughts and I'll be sure to spread some love around.


I work soft dreams with rough hands
conduct big time business
in denim and plaid
desperately wishing
to be faux-working class
kindergarten passed
but I still paint still life
with my fingers.

Big time business was weak sauce. Just needed some flare of its own to really sit in well wiht the rest of this. Still paint still life is an excellent ideal but it need something to set them apart so I don't stumble them (plus I like still "lifes"; has a charming quirkiness to it). seems you are avoiding punctuation; so consider maybe doing

but I still paint
still lifes with my fingers.


and if people asked me
"how do you do it?"
I wouldn't have
an answer anyway.
I haven't finished yet.

Really enjoyed this... there was a nice sense of calm about it that lead to it being much more effective than it would have been if you had just written it in a normal tone.


This was fun and cute. You are very good at writing fun and cute. As a comment on general things that you can feel free to dismiss if you want... but I'd really like to see you take on something heavier and more dense than these cute little stills about life and whatnot. I think you have a good tone hiding underneath the cutesy ideas that could really flourish in a darker setting. Might just be me though.

This was fun and a good read though. Well constructed. Won't win any awards, but I know I smiled.

Chinese Finger Traps in sig, if you wouldn't mind.