#1
Rip it apart, C4C. Sorry about the inconsistency.
Edited, after someone finally decided to, as they put it, "piss on it".
Scroll down if you want, I've explained it in later posts.


Quote by Internalized

I
love criticizing
the rhymes, the flow, or rhythm
just so I can watch
all
of the writers leap
to defend their work with some
pointless excuses

I
just love how people
are so in control when they
are ripping pieces
apart
but when it's their turn
to put their feelings on to
paper, you can see
they're the same as anyone
else.



Here goes:
"scared and depressed from
a lack of self belief that
is ruining my
creativity
i hope these pills work,
my only alternative
is suicide and
i
dont really think that
that will inspire me to
write much, anyway."


Quote by Externalized

I
really liked it but
I found the flow quite messed up.
You seem to be stuck
in
a creative rut,
you need to wait around, for
some inspiration.


Quote by Internalized

I'm
sorry you didn't
enjoy it, but you see, I
wrote it in ten mins
so
I could prove that I
still have emotions and thoughts
in my heart and my
head.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 4, 2008,
#3
Quote by SeeEmilyPlay
I don't understand what's being critiqued here!


And I don't understand what you don't understand.

The quotes are not actual quotes, but a device I use to show that these sections are written by two different people, the "internalized" me, and the "externalized" me. It's written entirely in haiku/line/haiku/line format, a hint at the lack of creativity line.
#4
This was very clever. It reminded me of "Workshop" by Billy Collins in parts. I think you've written something very true and clever here. Well done.
#5
that was possibly the most clever piece i've seen all day. how many times i've seen some constructive criticism and the writer responding with "my friend told me to write this", "it was OTS and i was tired", or the worst of all, "it's not my best work"

thank you. title kinda threw me off though.
⚑⚑⚑⚑⚑
#7
I actually really liked this. The set up of the internal/external conflicts. I really love you for throwing the whole aspect of the common "poet" or writer for lack of a better word on this site. Emotions can tear you apart, and you showed this as the piece progressed. I personally can connect, I am not "bed-ridden" but I currently have some shaky framework I am trying to deal with. Overall there is nothing bad to crit on, its one of those pieces that move with out all the flashy metaphors and deep rooted imagery.
C4C on Dream Cipher If you get a chance.

also, I really really reallllly like the title. Don't know why, its just shnazzy.
this one is for you.
#9
At first I thought this was going to be a lame attempt at panning the people on the board, (which I've seen before, done quite horribly I might add) but this wasn't the case. It was quite interesting, and I didn't catch onto the haiku thing until you mentioned it. Pretty nifty read.
#10
Quote by kdownes
This was very clever. It reminded me of "Workshop" by Billy Collins in parts. I think you've written something very true and clever here. Well done.


Thanks, Kyle, means a lot coming from you.
I've never read/heard Billy Collins, but from what I've read from you, you seem to be a fan.

Anyway, the first stanza was inspired from this thread:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1012060
But the basic gist is:
ME: The forced rhymes made me throw up a little.
HIM: lol thats wat you get when you get a friend to help, i wrote this in about 10 mins with my singer, he convinced me im a good songwriter lol


and the second, is from you Kyle, the way you assert your authority with your critiques around here, but when you post a piece, the top is the same as everyone else's (OTS, wrote it in a short amount of time, still not happy), it reminded me that you're still human.


EDIT: Thank you guys, nothing to improve yet?

And yes, you're all right, I was aiming for clever here, it's the latest in a series of "experimental" pieces. In fact, I've just written a poem about self harm, without using the words pain, knife, razor, blood, sad, emotion and so on, just to see if it could be done, and done well.
As it turns out, you can't.

EDITEDIT:
Quote by rush4life
At first I thought this was going to be a lame attempt at panning the people on the board, (which I've seen before, done quite horribly I might add).


Anyone know the name? I'm interested in this piece now.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 3, 2008,
#11
Quote by ginjaninja
and the second, is from you Kyle, the way you assert your authority with your critiques around here, but when you post a piece, the top is the same as everyone else's (OTS, wrote it in a short amount of time, still not happy), it reminded me that you're still human.


Oh wow, i never noticed that. I just do a lot of crits cause i get bored, and the only reason their good is cause i don't see the point of doing a bad crit. If i can't do a good crit, I won't. Never had a piece draw inspiration from me before, wow! I still love this piece, but I fear now I've become biased
#12
I'm going to be along with the crowd and say this is very clever... irony that I hope you notice.

It's more than just clever, BTW, it is a snippet of your thoughts and firm beliefs and it's great for that fact. You don't hide behind the words, you let them live your life freely; an achievement most fail to accomplish.
#13
The sheer blunt take on a situation behind a clever little facade is quite scrumptious.

This is good. But I don't quite think it deserves straight praise, so let me piss on it a bit.

First things first; it was clever and heartfelt... but I still didn't believe you by the end of the second stanza. Jumping across to easy cliches such as "only human" and then throwing in a bad line break didn't help your case. I think the main problem was it was so faux-bitter. It swung between almost cutesy playful making fun of to bitter almost rage. I needed something more consistent in a piece like this. Mood swings just make it feel uncontrolled and not "emotional" in this case. The uncontrolled feel was disorienting, as something as pointed as this thrives on scalpel-like precision and pointed banter. Things like "soul on paper" and those lines reek to much of filler. They have to be there, but finding a better way to say that will make it seem more precise and less rambly... which will give it a better punch. Last stanza of the first section also killed some of the trust I had for you as a narrator. To bring something so personal into this without some form of build-up is discontinuous. I love the bitterness in the last few lines, though. Some of my favorites in a while.

The Externalized part was weak. Easily the weakest section. You could have done so much more there. Something with so much more direction and power. You took an easy way out. Just needs some witty zip to really give it some form of zing that captures and holds my attention.

Last section is golden and really carries most of the punch for the piece.

All that said, this is probably my favorite piece this week so far.
#14
Thank you Zc (zee-see)
Did you know that if I tilt my laptop screen to just the right angle, you're avatar looks like a stereotypical nigg-
african american.
(I think I saw my bike behind him, resting against the wall.)

Editededitededitededitededitededitededitededited.
(All one word, for use when you have edited something and are excited about it)
Better?
(Rhetorical, don't answer)

As one of the many double oh seven films is titled, "read and let it die"
I think.
(I love being wrong)
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 4, 2008,
#15
This does deserves straight praise !

I'll mop ZC's piss off of the paper. Great work.

It was original and my favorite part was the "here we go" stanza.

I like the study of anthropology and also self-belief.

Awesome ! Write more.