#1
C4C
This is an actual work in progress so I need INPUT.


Dream Cipher

Dream cipher, listen please,
My name, age, beliefs are all at sea
I speak when spoken to
And provide the keep
Just make some damn sense
Please Cipher, please

I walk away, onwards through a field
Full of Geraniums,
Your name, we sing on
Empty suns
Lucky enough vagabonds never run

Say Hi to,
St. Mary
Because I won’t make it up the stairs
Say Hi to,
My better half
She didn’t show now who’s who,
And where am I going with all of this?

Here we are at an impasse
Dream Cipher won’t set me free
I sleep, I sleep, sleep
Night light eyes
And vicious goals

Say Hi to,
St. Mary
Because I won’t make it up the stairs
Let her know I write every single song
For the same reason
I forgot how to walk,
Now where am I going?
this one is for you.
#2
It was good, I really enjoyed how you communicate your ideas, and it was generally an enjoyable read.
It flowed pretty well, with nifty rhymes and halfs, and I especially love
"show now who’s who", but then again I've recently become a bitch to both illiteration and assonance.
The only bad part, I would say, are some of the line breaks. However, I'm sorry to say I can't really help you on those, they're outside of my comfort zone as both a writer and a reviewer, and I'm scared of making all the wrong suggestions. Wait around for a better person (Kyle should be here soon).

I love the kind of broken ideas idea, that is perhaps just for me though.

Now, the end, at first I was kind of "That's sh*t, where's the jazzy one liner?"
And then, I grew up a bit, re-read it, re-read the whole thing, made interpretations of it, of certain lines, re-read it again, and I can now say, The battery on my laptop is getting pretty low. I mean, this was brilliant.

Thanks for the crit on mine.


EDIT: I've just given you're other pieces a quick once over, and I must say, I'm impressed. Your general writing style is nice, and word choices nicer so. And now, I really understand the other thing you say in your signature. Sorry for not getting those, but it's not too late! Which one is more recent, or which one do you want an extra crit on? I'll be more than happy to help (I'm too bored to sleep).

Also, is this one a song, or a poem?
I thought it was a poem, but the others all tend to be songs.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 3, 2008,
#3
This one is a song, like usual. You are welcome for the crit, and thanks for the crit. Um, I do believe Holograms is the most recent and still needs some input if you want to check that one out.
this one is for you.