#1
Suffocation
In correlation
With rendering
Of past events
Like the face of my degeneration,
Degradation,
I am virtually weightless
For I am set in stone

A dynamic dimension
A direct dictation

Triptych, trilogy, transformation
In his eyes
A new erratic creation

Splitting, separation, syncopation
Cyanide cuts the quest
In frequency of debt

Recurring regurgitation
Twisted face of disgust
In my direction
Spasms with what sprouts
From my pen

Eradicate infrequent frequency
A nonsensical combination
Of perfect nonsense
You can’t,
wouldn’t,
Care to devour.

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Basically, a sort of 'freewriting' while listening to Chaosphere. Something I should do more often I guess. Everyone I've showed it to thinks it's amaze, I don't, but ohwell. C4C.
♥xx♥

#2
The Meshuggah influence is strong in this one.

Seriously darl, you did really well. The imagery is vibrant but chaotic and the "randomness" really accentuates that. Stop doubting yourself
#3
Second Magero, and read some T.S. Eliot. . . like The Mars Volta. . . hehe.
Quote by paranoid joker

Metal, should kick you in the nuts, after you catch it messing around with your girlfriend.
and then make a sandwhich in your house and walk out.


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#5
i think the flow was excellent. also the line breaks were easy on the eyes.
but it's very(but not "too") wordy/technical, and it makes emotion here seem kind of abstract mechanical...which my interpretation tells me you were shooting for. (if not, please tell me -

very nice work.

edit: but i'm smoking a cigarette, thinking this over on a 4th/5th read, thinking: you should really write something without the reliance of rhyme and technicality, i think you could wrap something absolutely gorgeous right up. if not for seriousness, then maybe even just an exercise? idk, just figured i'd throw that out there.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Wow, very excellent. What amazed me more is that English isn't even your first language and you didn't seem limited in vocabulary at all. You found words that fit perfectly.

Dunno why but I liked, "I am virtually weightless - For I am set in stone" the best.
Definitely do this more often... now I want to hear the music for it
#9
Modesty, eh?

I thought it was brilliant. Technical and I think some mentioned a bit mechanical. I didn't really feel any emotion here. Bit robotic. But still a great read. Have a nice day.