#1
willed repetition
and a slight change.
"music for eighteen musicians"
trade pepsi for a coke.
like steady aligned notes
days follow straight black lines
and i find the only difference is a sock
or a coat.

like spare pennies
i keep losing track of b flats.
eighths or sixteenths?
notation never lasts
and coda after coda
the composer in me becomes
more past tense.

the morning touches
and light fills my room
as i watch shadows
lean as they always rest.
imagining 6:00 A.M. on the clock
but, life is not a movie
and i'm left with hours
as they slowly coalesce.
#2
Well it reads as weird as Steve Reich sounds, so I think you succeeded.
#3
I think it should just say 'the composer becomes...'.

I'll be back. I enjoyed this, mainly.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Quote by pixiesfanyo
willed repetition
and a slight change.
"music for eighteen musicians"
trade pepsi for a coke.
like steady aligned notes
days follow straight black lines
and i find the only difference is a sock
or a coat.

I like the comparisons you're drawing here, but this whole first stanza doesn't feel strong enough. It's very floaty

like spare pennies
i keep losing track of b flats.
eighths or sixteenths?
notation never lasts
and coda after coda
the composer in me becomes
more past tense.

This stanza was better, it has just the right amount of punch, though the last line was a bit confusing. How can someone become "more past tense"? Maybe it's just me

the morning touches
and light fills my room
as i watch shadows
lean as they always rest.
imagining 6:00 A.M. on the clock
but, life is not a movie
and i'm left with hours
as they slowly coalesce.

I don't like "lean as they always rest" and I'm not sure if i like the word-use of "coalesce". Apart from that, this is another strong stanza



I actually had never heard of Steve Reich, so i did a bit of research before critting tis (I'm actually listening to his MySpace atm). I thinks he's a very interesting metaphor to use, but I don't think oyu've put enough life into this piece to do it properly. It just seems to be lacking something. Hopefully Katherine can add to what i said, because i can't find the missing part.
#6
i know this is bringing up an old post, but i don't really know if you're getting the purpose behind the piece. i'm making an allusion to Reich and his minimalist pieces, how they always seem to carry themselves in exactly the same way only with a very tiny change. i'm alluding to this because i think my life in a lot of ways reoccurs the same way every day and the only things that change are the little things. again, i bring up this idea with an allusion to "Groundhog's Day" at the end and kind of just say how Bill Murray kinda realized that this is just going to be the way things will be so might as well exist in it although the second stanza kind of embraces the idea that if every day is the same how are we able to fully conceptualize the events of our lives.

reading back on this almost two months later i'm actually really, really proud of this piece.
#7
Quote by pixiesfanyo
willed repetition
and a slight change.
"music for eighteen musicians"
trade pepsi for a coke.
like steady aligned notes
days follow straight black lines
and i find the only difference is a sock
or a coat.

This came off pretty good....awesome flow

like spare pennies
i keep losing track of b flats.
eighths or sixteenths?
notation never lasts
and coda after coda
the composer in me becomes
more past tense.

I'm trying to think of the feeling your trying to portray here....I'm thinking bored and frustrated....TBH, when I first read the first line, I thought pennies read penis and I was like whoa! Then I read it again realized my eyes are devils. So far so good

the morning touches
and light fills my room
as i watch shadows
lean as they always rest.
imagining 6:00 A.M. on the clock
but, life is not a movie
and i'm left with hours
as they slowly coalesce.

Nice ending, good flow....This is the first time I've ever seen someone use coalesce in any piece, awesome word btw...



Bravo....5/5
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#8
i enjoyed this so much more after reading your explanation & i think that says a great deal. i'm not someone who regularly under-analyses poetry... on the contrary i'm often inclined to read more into lines than was intended. but referencing ground hog day by noting at a movie with 6.00am on the clock.. i mean, that's just not direct enough a reference to concrete itself & really present the idea you're attempting to present. it sounds nicer as a piece of writing, of course, it has a vagueness that's appealing, but i think sacrificing vagueness for the presentation of an (imo) extremely powerful idea is justified here. giving a little more (sonny & cher) could of been beneficial. it seems an obvious reference after understanding the idea of the piece, but your readers are not you. i'd give them more to work with.

i know through reading you fairly often that you're someone who puts thought into every line & so i read this really looking to pick up on the key ideas. i did get the idea of everyday life repeating itself (with only trivialities varying) but i thought the smaller, more lively little lines & references were a little indirect, as is often the case with you.

i really enjoyed it though & it truly is brilliant to read someone here with underlying ideas and themes as opposed to people that either tell you exactly what they are thinking colloquially or just throw together a stream of bowie-esque random nonesense.
Last edited by skagitup at Jan 24, 2009,
#9
this built like a snowball rolling down a hill toward armageddon. There was an increasing desperation in the way this progressed and it was mirrored by an increasing use of rhyme and meter restriction towards the end. in terms of content this was spot on, even without the explanation; steady and with a couple of brilliant lines strewn throughout.

kind of to mirror what Alex (very correctly) said, you put thought/significance in every line and it paid off.