#1
Not my best song but it sounds decent with music added

I think you've got it
But you don't know it
That's o.k
Because I don't know you
But I'm begining to think
I love you
but I don't know
Is that o.k

We can go on
Just saying hi
Followed by a return

No talk
No Love
No speech
Are crashing me down
Using plastic conversations

Next time
Can you promise me
That you will love me to
But that won't confirm
That I will speak to you

We can go on
Just saying hi
Followed by a return

No talk
No love
No speech
Are crashing me down
Using plastic conversations

Plastic conversations
#2
Quote by timeizprecious
Not my best song but it sounds decent with music added
Then do we get to hear it? A song is a poem with a melody. If you don't give us that, then I'm going to review this as a poem.

Also, you shouldn't hide bad writing behind your music.



I think you've got it
But you don't know it
That's o.k
Because I don't know you
But I'm beginning to think
I love you
but I don't know
Is that o.k?
The acronym-ed okays annoyed me. The word choice here went in circles, and not in a good way, you used "it, know, don't, I, you" way too much, it fuzzed my head, and made me trip up while reading. Also, I would suggest changing the last line to "I hope that's okay". Personal opinions really.
We can go on
Just saying hi
Followed by a return
"hi" needs to be in speech marks (and capitalized? I'm not too sure on this one) Followed by a return didn't make much sense, felt forced in way.
No talk
No love
No speech
Are crashing me down
Using plastic conversations
Good, I like plastic conversations.
Next time
Can you promise me
That you will love me to
But that won't confirm
That I will speak to you
Needs a question mark here, somewhere. Is "to" meant to be "too" here? I can't really tell, it all feels a bit forced.
We can go on
Just saying hi
Followed by a return

No talk
No love
No speech
Are crashing me down
Using plastic conversations

Plastic conversations

In all, it was rather cliche what you had written, and you seem to have forced some lines just to fit the rhythm of the mysterious music. Added to that, the vocabulary was rather boring, and there was little evident use of devices such as metaphors, similes, illiteration and so on.

However, those two words, "plastic conversations" were brilliant. The connotations of plastic, something not real, something fake, paired with conversations to get the idea of a fake conversation, awkward silence, forced small talk was great. Just the execution wasn't great.

That phrase reminded me a lot of "fake plastic trees" by radiohead, a great song.


Sorry, not a fan.

EDIT:
Could you C4C? link in sig, called dear diary.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 9, 2008,
#4
I was actually rather disappointed. The idea in the title is pretty clever, but other than that little line "plastic conversations" the rest of the piece fails to impress. It's all just... to sum it up - and I hate using this word - cliche. Have a nice day.
#5
I've taken all advice on board, changed the whole meaning
My language isn't fully developed as I have only just turned 14, but I try my best
I hope there is meaning and point in the 'brilliant' phrase 'plastic conversations'
I've even added chords, the strum patterns come naturally as part of the rythm
The lines in between chords aren't strum patterns, they just are there because when I wrote out them with just spaces they came out together lol
Verse 1
Em - - - - - - - - - - - - - C
The battlefield can be tough
Em - - - - - - - - - - - - C
Not knowing is even harder
Em - - - - - - - - - - - - - - C
The rules are never the same
So (said quite quickly in between line above and line below)
Em - - - - - - - - - - C
Why bother even trying

Chorus 1
G - - - - - - - - - - - D - - - - - - -C
Can't see what's going on at home
G - - - D - - - - F - C
Can't feel my life again
G - - - - - - D - -C
Talking to you using
G - - - -D - F - C
Plastic conversations

Verse 2
Em - - - - - - - - - - - C
Can't forget why I came here
Em - - - - - - - - - -C
When life was unmistakeable
Em - - - - - - - - - - - - -C
I had problems of my own
Em - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -C
Like the lies used to engage us
Em - - - - - - - - -- - - - C
Not to folow what we believe

Chorus again

Bridge
B - - - - -A - - - - Em
I've lost faith in what they do
B - - - - - - - -A - - - - - - - Em
We can't do anything to start anew
B - -A - - - - - - Em
If I ever come home
Em
My memories will be the same

Chorus x2
(Hold last chord)

I hope you enjoyed, pile on all crits

P.S
I hope I showed some maturity in the writinig and could be seriously taken,
Thanks
Last edited by timeizprecious at Dec 22, 2008,
#6
Quote by timeizprecious


The battlefield can be tough
Not knowing is even harder
The rules are never the same
So
Why bother even trying
Good. I'd consider swapping bother and even in the last line, but I don't know the rhythm for this.

Can't see what's going on at home
Can't feel my life again
Talking to you using
Plastic conversations
Great,

Can't forget why I came here
When life was unmistakeable
Sp. unmistakable.
I had problems of my own
Like the lies used to engage us
Not to folow what we believe
Sp. follow.

I've lost faith in what they do
We can't do anything to start anew
If I ever come home
My memories will be the same
Good.



Okay, I basically didn't say anything on this, sorry about that. The thing is, it was good, but not very contextualized. Now I'm talking out my ass, but I think I know what I'm saying. Basically, you had some good themes and ideas here, but everything was kind of empty. You didn't elaborate on anything, explain anything.
The only good, solid images/bits were battlefields, talking to you...plastic conversations, lies, memories, and each of those were only a line. The rest was very filler-y. It was all a bit "ehhh" really.


Sorry for being a bitch.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 23, 2008,
#8
Quote by timeizprecious
what do you mean?


I didn't have enough time to post anything then, so I just quoted it, and sorted it out ready for me to crit it later.
#10
Cheers for that. I'm working it all out and then recording it with my singer lol
I'll post a comment on ur profile when I get it recorded and uploaded
#11
I really like the chorus

No talk
No Love
No speech
Are crashing me down
Using plastic conversations

It just sounds really interesting to me. I don't really like the rest of it... but I'm sure it sounds better with the guitar playing with it.
And the edited version has strong lines (in your old one it was too short and nothing realy said..), but I don't really get what you're trying to say anymore.
#12
The tempo for the song is 113bpm, Two bars per line. Play chords in straight fours first and then a rythm comes to the song after playing it a couple of times