#1
Hey there. This is my first posted piece. Constructive criticism would be appreciated. Crit for Crit - if you could leave me a link to the piece you would like me to comment on, that would be helpful. Hopefully you like it. Thanks for reading!

you smell of chamomile and wine
i'd swear you're the best dressed drunk alive
you're beautiful, and
he'll do anything to be yours for the night
people like you are the reason for hindsight

they say the perfect lead tragic lives
but I'm not perfect,
and I still cry.
you look lovely with paint choking your eyes,
but nobody here starved themselves to shine.
i'm not perfect.
i get by.
#2
Quote by Milo.

you smell of chamomile and wine
i'd swear you're the best dressed drunk alive
you're beautiful, and
he'll do anything to be yours for the night
people like you are the reason for hindsight

I really loved the line "I'd swear..drunk alive", but over all it was really good. I liked the Night/hindsight rhyme as well.

they say the perfect lead tragic lives
but I'm not perfect,
and I still cry.
you look lovely with paint choking your eyes,
but nobody here starved themselves to shine.
i'm not perfect.
i get by.

Paint choking your eyes... That is once again an awesome line. I was little iffy on the I'm not perfect, and i still cry part, felt a tiny bit cliche/overused in a lot of works. But it wasn't to the point that it took away from the piece.



First off, thank you very much for the crit. This was extremely well written and had lovely use of words. Nothing on it that I would really say change.
this one is for you.
#3
you smell of chamomile and wine
i'd swear you're the best dressed drunk alive

I really enjoy those lines. They are a great start.


you're beautiful, and
he'll do anything to be yours for the night
people like you are the reason for hindsight

I love the break after and,
But, I do not like the rhyme. It kind of seems like you were forcing this line.

they say the perfect lead tragic lives
but I'm not perfect,

I like this, will the next line sum it up well?


and I still cry.

not really. =/. This line feels a bit forced too, and a bit cliche,
try something like,
but still I lead one like I'm ____ something, I don't know, but you get the point.

you look lovely with paint choking your eyes,
but nobody here starved themselves to shine.

I like where you tried to go with this, but.. The paint from where? Wait, are you saying her make-up? Because if thats what you were saying, I would just say that blunty, like, the mascara, not the paint. But your choice.


i'm not perfect.
i get by.

I like the conclusion, the extended metaphor that you summed up here was nice.


I am not the best crit in the world, but I hope I helped you in some way. Gave you an idea maybe.
Again thanks for the crit on mine.
#5
Loved the first stanza, nothing to crit in that.

they say the perfect lead tragic lives
but I'm not perfect,
and I still cry.
this (like others have said) is a little cliche. However, I don't think it takes away from the piece as it works well here.
you look lovely with paint choking your eyes,
really liked the 'paint' part, very nice imagery there
but nobody here starved themselves to shine.
i'm not perfect.
i get by.
I liked this part as well . Nothing else to say

There's some returned crit, hope it helps
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 17, 2008,
#6
Quote by Milo.
I'm going to go blindly against what other people have told you about this.

you smell of chamomile and wine
i'd swear you're the best dressed drunk alive
Love this, the idea, and it flowed damn well.
you're beautiful, and
he'll do anything to be yours for the night
people like you are the reason for hindsight
The rhyme was terribly forced. Scrap that last line. Maybe replace it with something, but I think it could stand pretty well without it.

they say the perfect lead tragic lives
but I'm not perfect,
and I still cry.
Good, I like this. (And all you others, just because he used the word "cry" doesn't make this cliche.)
That said, you should still have said this better. Instead of using the words "cheesy" or "cliche" to describe that 3rd lines, I'm going to use "weak".

you look lovely with paint choking your eyes,
DON'T CHANGE THIS TO MAKEUP. It will ruin the subtlety and the imagery. The picture painted with this line is so bright, I can't believe how many people asked you to change it. Also, the interpretations you can get from using the word "paint" here are way too incredible to overlook.

Eg. Using the word paint tells us more about this woman, because although all women wear makeup, the stereotype of people who practically "paint" themselves with it are prostitutes.

(People, stop reading pieces and start interpreting them, experience them.)

but nobody here starved themselves to shine.
Good, again, I'll iterate for readers, this, I believe, is about those "size zero" models, who starve themselves so they can go out there in the spotlights with beautiful dresses and, well, shine.
i'm not perfect.
i get by.
Nice, a slow and soft ending to a brilliant piece.


I'm sick of you arrogant/ignorant (I could never tell the difference) readers. Okay, maybe I have over praised this piece, but that's only because you didn't appreciate the finer points of language.