#1
Lines streak across the sky
Amnesia caused by a lobotomy
Erased the thought of living life
And this could be the death of me

I call your name
You take my hand
I've gone insane
You help me stand
Through all the pain
In all the land
I call your name
You take my hand

My feet have left the ledge
The rushing wind makes my heart race
I'm falling into your arms again
I've been devoured by your living grace

I call for help
But no one comes
When I rebelled
You stayed right there
And when I fell
You heard my prayers
Walls of this cell
All now disappear

I think I finally figured it out
Solved the mystery of my breaking down
Just as the potter with an imperfect clay
You have to break me down to fix my mistakes
#2
Quote by One4All77
Lines streak across the sky
Amnesia caused by a lobotomy
Erased the thought of living life
And this could be the death of me


The last line was my favorite part. Maybe of the whole thing. I'm not sure. Simple, but effective. But i think that the first three could be tied down a little more to the subject that precedes it. Amnesia and lobotomy are interesting words that definitely catches a readers eye, and if it were me, I'd separate them at least into two different lines, and just expand on their symbolism.

Quote by One4All77

I call your name
You take my hand
I've gone insane
You help me stand
Through all the pain
In all the land
I call your name
You take my hand


I'm gonna be pretty blunt here, I hated this part. It's just predictable, and rather cliche. To be more specific, the "call your name, take my hand" routine is just so over done. Even the "through all the pain" is a bit of a drag. No offense at all.
Just my opinion.

Quote by One4All77

My feet have left the ledge
The rushing wind makes my heart race
I'm falling into your arms again
I've been devoured by your living grace


This is just me, so you don't have to change it or anything, but I always think the word feet is so informal. I would change it to step. It might not make a whole lot of sense, but that's just me. So don't worry too much about it. Falling into your arms is a bit cliche too. Which gets me. Sorry. And I'm starting to see that this forced rhyming is what's making it so cliche. I also kind of feel like "living grace" is just two words you put together with no particular meaning.

Quote by One4All77

I call for help
But no one comes


Doesn't this contradict "I call your name, you take my hand"?

Quote by One4All77

When I rebelled
You stayed right there
And when I fell
You heard my prayers
Walls of this cell
All now disappear


Eh. A little better. Still having a hard time with the rhyming.

Quote by One4All77

I think I finally figured it out
Solved the mystery of my breaking down
Just as the potter with an imperfect clay
You have to break me down to fix my mistakes


"Solved the mystery" sounds too CSI. But it's a good finish.
The first line could be written better, you might want to play with it a little bit.
And actually I think the last two could be worded better too.

I'm sorry if I sounded like a jerk. It's just my opinion. (Don't worry, my poetry is probably worse). I think that using a thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary will help your writing out phenomenally. Or just trying not to stick to religiously to the rhyming scheme. You know? It's not always necessary. Sometimes you can get away with it.

And honestly it doesn't strike me as anything too special.
I feel like it's just a bunch of fancy imagery that don't really add up to anything unique or significant.

Total potential though. Don't get me wrong. Sorry if I was too harsh.

PS The rules say you can't post more than one thread per day. You should probably delete the others unless you want them closed. Which would probably include this one.
Last edited by x_thurston_x at Dec 3, 2008,
#3
Quote by x_thurston_x
Total potential though. Don't get me wrong. Sorry if I was too harsh.

PS The rules say you can't post more than one thread per day. You should probably delete the others unless you want them closed. Which would probably include this one.


Thanks man, I really do need a LOT of input as to my writing..I have notebooks full of crap that I can't seem to string together and maybe some critiquing will help me get it going.

And I didn't know about the no more than one a day..how lame is that?? I've never seen a forum with a rule like that!

But yeah, I'm definitely going to work on some of that stuff!

Thanks,
~Robbie
#4
I thought it was rather cliche, "falling into your arms again"

Fairly unoriginal ! However contradicting myself; I thought it read very well.

Good Job !