#1
Has nothing to do with food, the title is a personal message and the song is a personal message and bull**** yadayada, when i was writing th echorus i was listening to that song "hush little baby dont you cry," and ****, and if you sing the chorus to that rythym, it wworks, kinda how i want it
crit

Verse:
She stays around town but only to remind me,
of what ive done
to tell me its all my fault, you show me
what ive become

chorus:
the things i thought and put into words,
couldnt have hurt you any worse,
the things i cant fix but i can say
i didnt mean to push you far away

Verse:
The lights reach out, and beat it into my head,
you never did care
a wise man once told me im better of dead,
i guess he meant it fair

chorus:
The things i thought and put into words,
what i assume only makes it worse,
the things i thought but shouldnt say.
its all a mess with you far away

bridge:
i sit here and grab the girl,
i reach out and put my hand on her waist,
i say
"listen here your gonna be alright,
dont worry about me anymore"
she looked up and stared in my eye,
gave me one last line and said goodbye

extended chorus:
the time has come and i realize,
but only as the tears fall out my eyes,
i only wanted you to smile,
but i guess that will take a while
for you to forgive someone like me
its like trying to save a goddamn tree

chrous/outroish:
i find it hard and impossible
just know i really love you girl
crit4crit
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#2
it's impossible for me to dislike anything you write because it comes from the heart.
my only advice really is to think of a verse as a whole, and a piece as a whole, instead of fragmented lines.
example, if you could've made reference to trees earlier in the piece - perhaps she is a 'save-the-trees' kinda chick and you went to a protest with her or tried to save some trees from being lopped - it would have been SO much more powerful.
it's just working up to that punchline, ya know?
i know it's hard to consider that when you're writing purely emotionally,
but it's worth thinking about when you revise.
i'm not sure if i'm a great fan of the directness of some of it, i'd prefer to be left to interpret some stuff, but hey.
i'ma post something new shortly, so i'd love it if you could crit that.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#3
bridge:
i sit here and grab the girl,
i reach out and put my hand on her waist,
i say
"listen here your gonna be alright,
dont worry about me anymore"
she looked up and stared in my eye,
gave me one last line and said goodbye

I really liked the bridge. It's really clear and to-the-point.
Eye should be eyes though in my opinion.

I think the outro kind of negates the rest of the song...
Especially

i find it hard and impossible
The rest of the song feels really good.
#4
thanks man, yea the outro i guess should have stayed with the last chorus, what i was trying to get at was it was hard and impposible to forgive someone like me,
but ehhh

Anyone else?
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper