#1
you call me
a fiend
because I find it rather hard
telling time on a melting
watch me color myself clockwork
orange you glad
i stayed til morning glory
whats your story
whats the hurry
please
lay a little longer with me now

we played freeze tag when i first met you;
you looked into my eyes
and i
at once immobilized
realized you were it
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Dec 8, 2008,
#3
he is back and with a vengeance. I'll hit this up properly in the morning, but welcome baclk this blew the **** out of your last piece
#6
Loved the ending, not the rest.

you call me
a fiend
I didn't like this. Who says fiend these days? The voice didn't really fit to have a word outside of colloquial language, if you ask me.

but don't you find it rather hard
telling time on a soft
watch?me
? this didn't work very well. I don't like soft watch.
color myself clockwork
orange you glad
i stayed til morning glory
whats your story
whats the hurry
please
stay a little longer with me now

I dunno the references and cliches didn't really work for me. I didn't get anything good out of them. They were a turn off to be honest. Maybe it's just me but I didn't think it worked as a 'cute' piece until the last stanza


I dunno, I just don't think the first part worked very well. It seemed thrown together for the sake of being clever. I think it lacked the mood and tact to come acrosse as wordplay or mixed emotions.

Still, the ending was class.

peace.

If you get a chance, a quick opinion on the link in the word 'floor' in my sig would be nice.

good to see you again
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Quote by jiminizzle
Loved the ending, not the rest.

Who says fiend these days? The voice didn't really fit to have a word outside of colloquial language, if you ask me.


Actually this person calls me a fiend a has quite the voice. It's not a bad thing really, more of a petname.

The "soft watches" are a reference to a Salvador Dali painting.

A Clockwork Orange is a book/movie where this rather nasty fellow is transformed into a fine young chap by various unorthodox methods. basically they drug you up and make you watch these horrible movies of rape and violence until you grow a natural aversion to them. theres a lot more to it.(read it/watch it if you haven't. it's very good).

And i incorperated some of that mindf*ck prose. but yeah thanks for the crit.

and yeah ive been writing more recently so i might be around a little more for a while
#9
I see what is going on, but something didn't feel right. I'll come back.

EDIT: I have loads of pieces to go back to now, bloody hell.
#10
Quote by Guns N Russians
Actually this person calls me a fiend a has quite the voice. It's not a bad thing really, more of a petname.

The "soft watches" are a reference to a Salvador Dali painting.

A Clockwork Orange is a book/movie where this rather nasty fellow is transformed into a fine young chap by various unorthodox methods. basically they drug you up and make you watch these horrible movies of rape and violence until you grow a natural aversion to them. theres a lot more to it.(read it/watch it if you haven't. it's very good).

And i incorperated some of that mindf*ck prose. but yeah thanks for the crit.

and yeah ive been writing more recently so i might be around a little more for a while



I caught all the references, no need to explain. I just didn't think they helped, that's all. Not confusing, just they weren't very tactful in my eyes (Nothing personal) And as a personal thing, I guess fiend is cool, but I just didn't like it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#11
Well I didn't reference the things I did simply for sh*ts and giggles. You have to dwell into the deeper meanings behind both the painting and A Clockword Orange and paralell it with the situation at hand.

Like the Dali soft watches painting...it's call the Persistance Of Memory. To me it's about how like...time is endless. The C.O. thing is there because the author is in a way hypnotized...and actually becomes a better person because of "you/her".

its deeper than that but i just wanted to make it more clear that the references arent just name drops. i've named dropped in the past, i'll admit that...but not this time.

and even when i do...try looking at it not as name drop but for what it's actually saying.

but yeah, once again thanks for the comment.
#13
Quote by Guns N Russians
you call me
a fiend
but don't you find it rather hard
telling time on a soft
watch?me

soft watch? maybe im just dumb right now but i didnt/dont get it. and the me right after the question mark? are you the soft watch? elaborate if you could.


color myself clockwork
orange you glad
i stayed til morning glory
whats your story
whats the hurry
please
stay a little longer with me now

nice. nicenicenice.


we played freeze tag when i first met you
you looked into my eyes
and i at once immobilized
realized you were it

whoa. nice. makes me wish i would have thought of the freeze tag idea.


overall pretty impressive, the first bit is still a little confusing, the soft watch part at least.
#14
The second part was funny, but I don't understand the beginning of it. I'm pretty sure that as soon as I post this, I'll get it, but I dunno.... I'll crit the rest once I get it, but until then, if you'll C4C, it's in my sig.
#15
Okay. A little more on the soft watch thing...I tried explaining it before but I couldn't really find a way to say it.

It's like...time melts when the author is with "you/her". so the hours pass by like seconds, or something like that.

The "watch?me" is the way it is because it's supposed to run on to the next part a'la the mindf*ck prose seen in my pieces "honk if you love piece and quiet" and "snooze button". I might edit that part though...
#16
Quote by Guns N Russians
Okay. A little more on the soft watch thing...I tried explaining it before but I couldn't really find a way to say it.

It's like...time melts when the author is with "you/her". so the hours pass by like seconds, or something like that.

The "watch?me" is the way it is because it's supposed to run on to the next part a'la the mindf*ck prose seen in my pieces "honk if you love piece and quiet" and "snooze button". I might edit that part though...

Ohhhhh, clever, but doesn't seem obvious. If you want people to get it, you have to expand a little, but I like it, even if I didn't get it, it's smart.
#19
alright bro, lets do this

Quote by Guns N Russians
you call me
a fiend
honestly, the first three lines are you just warming up. they come off as filler. if you start it at the fourth line, en medias res, i'm much more drawn in and have a stronger grasp on where you're going.
because I find it rather hard
telling time on a melting
watch me
hated the possible enjambment here. it's too easy and here it takes away from the piece. it gives the audience two options for meaning but that only works if there's an allusion to a previous theme of the piece as one of the options. here it's just for ****s and giggles and it shows.
color myself clockwork
orange you glad
i stayed til morning glory
whats your story
whats the hurry
please
lay a little longer with me now
I actually have no complaints here, the rest works very well, but my earlier complaint still stands.

we played freeze tag when i first met you;
you looked into my eyes
and i at once immobilized
realized you were it
I don't see the connection at all. the two stanza's are seperate and there's nothing to ground them. There is little imagery, little characterization, and not enough, if any, build up to this awesome ending. The piece just wasnt substantive, neither in concrete ideas of emotion. seemed like a dull writing excersize that did exactly what you wanted it to do. that ending is killer but not without proper buildup. I also think that punctuation would help you here as well.


that said, good piece, but could be much better and much more connected to itself. it didnt seem the piece knew where it was going and I wanted it to.

I'll get to your next one too, I owe you lots.
#20
Quote by Guns N Russians


we played freeze tag when i first met you;
you looked into my eyes
and i at once immobilized
realized you were it


I wanted a line break or a ';' after I so badly that I punched my desk. I wanted

"and i
at once immobilized
realized you were it"


The ending was lovely; and while I loved the idea and stylistic choices in teh first (your free flow idea to idea style still captivates me) I just didn't feel like it had enough self-direction to really say anything to me. Like watching a homeless man wander... you know he's going somewhere, but you don't know where and its sort of annoying that he is just wandering without a specific purpose. I think you are starting to get a better grasp on that style... but you still need more honing. You need control. You need to learn to bend the style over the table and tell it to do what you want and be quiet. As it is, every time you hit a "rollover" point, it seems like you no longer have control of the next image. Like you are just following a trail of wordplay (Hansel and Gretel style) and then it comes back to eat you in the end because the transition from point A to point B has left you a bit lost because you were following a trail of "clever crossovers."

Beyond that, this seemed to talk in circles a bit. Each image took one step forward, and one to the side, so you created a spiral that never connected enough with itself to convey something to me worth deciphering (the last stanza did; the first stanza didn't). I couldn't really feel the connection between S1 and S2 either. I'm sure there is one; as I see the transition between "lay with me" and the "we" but idea-wise, I can't make a connection that justifies the time spent in the first stanza. I did love the rhymes and the rhythm developed in the end of the first stanza, and it still captivated me with the rollovers... it was between mediocre and strong. You need more direction and mroe ability to make that style say what you want it instead of just following the images and rollover points... then you will have something legendary.
#21
Hey thanks for the crititque x-core.

I don't know how but you always manage to pinpoint everything so well. You should be a book critic or something. I am ashamed that my critiques of your pieces are so useless and unthoughtful and not helpful at all.

I suppose I could've just left the second part on it's own...but it feels too short to stand on its own.

As far as the homeless guy goes...that's partially true. No one else may know where he's wandering to, but the homeless guy does. Kind of. And to him, that's all that really matters. You house-folk just wouldn't understand, anyway.

I changed the one part though...just for you and the well-being of your desk.
#22
I like how it flows and reads, but that's all it does for me... the freeze tag section was clever, but didn't seem to fit in with the idea of the first for me. Don't get me wrong though, I look forward to reading more from you. Have a nice day.