#1
This is my third song i post here. Something dosn't feel alright with this song and i hope you guys could help me with improving it where you think its needed.


If Only

I remember the time we used to play
we were So young and reckless
there was nothing we had to say
i was wrong, 'cause now i've gone away

Now i'm waiting for this chanche
to make clear how i have felt
But everytime i see your face
I get scared, 'cause i have changed

If only I
Could read your mind
is it love that i will find
if only we
could clearly see
are we meant to be?

There are a million things i want to say
But these words seem to go their way
i wished you could have read my toughts
so with words, i didn't have to play

Now we've met again
while on our way
I walked you back to home
Thinking bout what i could say

If only I
Could read your mind
is it love that i will find
if only we
could clearly see
are we meant to be?


I had this change
that i didn't take
I tought there'd come
another day
so far i've been wrong
luckely it's not the time
to say goodbye, so long
#3
Ye i must agree. it feels so standard. it feels a bit forced, even to me. any tips to make it better?
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#4
Quote by Trecion
This is my third song i post here. Something dosn't feel alright with this song and i hope you guys could help me with improving it where you think its needed.


If Only

I remember the time we used to play
we were So young and reckless
there was nothing we had to say
i was wrong, 'cause now i've gone away

'cause now i've gone away' to me this means your going to explain why?, but you dont.

Now i'm waiting for this chanche
to make clear how i have felt
But everytime i see your face
I get scared, 'cause i have changed

'cause "now" I have changed' also not "i", it's "I" capital.

If only I
Could read your mind
is it love that i will find
if only we
could clearly see
are we meant to be?

It seems to me this is just jargon to fill a space with melancholy loss. Maybe you could put a bit more thought into something relative to the material.

There are a million things i want to say
But these words seem to go their way
i wished you could have read my toughts
so with words, i didn't have to play

"a million things i want to say" - Not very original, Try a different phrasing ?

Now we've met again
while on our way
I walked you back to home
Thinking bout what i could say

"I walked you back to home" this line is like a staggering point, it does not read well. "back to home" why not simple "back home" ?


If only I
Could read your mind
is it love that i will find
if only we
could clearly see
are we meant to be?

Nice that you circle back to the theme and introduction.

I had this change
that i didn't take
I tought there'd come
another day
so far i've been wrong
luckely it's not the time
to say goodbye, so long


"it's not the time to say goodbye" this makes me think of every other cliche song that bores me with 'goodbye's' and 'lost forever' It simply needs some more spunk to it, rather than boring over used phrasing.

also, "luckely" is this an obvious spelling mistake ? or is it intentional.

I think it just needs to be re-worked and moulded into something more original and also some syntax modification.

However, I did like it ! Keep writing !
#5
I think it could work really good in a song, but it's not very original.
#6
Thank you. the luckely is just a spelling mistake.
i'll make some changes to it soon to make it more ''personal'' and less standard.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#7
I made some changes. please let me know wich one you think is better. also any tips or crits about any of the version are more than welcome.


If Only

I remember the time we used to play
we were So young and reckless
there was nothing we had to say
i was wrong, 'cause now i've gone away

It Wasn't right for me to stay
After all we've been trough
i wish there was an easier way
i hope the bad things,
are things I can undo

Now i'm waiting for this chanche
to make clear how i have felt
But everytime i see your face
I get scared, 'cause I have changed


my tongue would be a razorblade
if I had found the words to say
i wished you could have read my toughts
so with words, i didn't have to play

Now we've met again
while on my way
I walked you back home
just to let know, this time i'll stay

If only I
Could read your mind
is it love that i will find
if only we
could clearly see
are we meant to be?

I had this change
that i didn't take
I tought there'd come
another day
so far i've been wrong
luckely i'll be with you,
within this song
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#8
Quote by Trecion
This is my third song i post here. Something dosn't feel alright with this song and i hope you guys could help me with improving it where you think its needed.

it's probably a bit cliche. happens a lot, no need to worry

If Only

I remember the time we used to play
we were so young and reckless
there was nothing we had to say
i was wrong, 'cause now i've gone away too much forced rhyme here, free your verse a bit

Now i'm waiting for this chance
to make clear how i have felt
But everytime i see your face
I get scared, 'cause i have changed

If only I
Could read your mind
is it love that i will find
if only we
could clearly see
are we meant to be?

There are a million things i want to say
But these words seem to go their way
i wished you could have read my thoughts
so with words, i didn't have to play again, the forced rhyming made me wince, however, the inverted sentences were fun to read.

Now we've met again
while on our way
I walked you back to home
Thinking about what i could say Whole stanza didn't do much for me

If only I
Could read your mind
is it love that i will find
if only we
could clearly see
are we meant to be?


I had this chance
that i didn't take
I thought there'd come
another day
so far i've been wrong
luckily it's not the time
to say goodbye, so long well, that was good


the forced rhyming was a bit painful to read... remember, rhyme is a device that you can choose to use or not. it can be useful or horrible. also, fix some spelling errors.

the last stanza was probably the best. this is not something that's perfect right now, but definitely could work with some rewriting and thinking.
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#9
Quote by SuperJoop
"it's not the time to say goodbye" this makes me think of every other cliche song that bores me with 'goodbye's' and 'lost forever' It simply needs some more spunk to it, rather than boring over used phrasing.

also, "luckely" is this an obvious spelling mistake ? or is it intentional.

I think it just needs to be re-worked and moulded into something more original and also some syntax modification.

However, I did like it ! Keep writing !


Great advice I totally agree.
#10
thanks, i'll post a newer version here in a while.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7