#1
Crit4Crit. I thought of this on the walk home from school, and I'm finishing this up as I type. It's a punkish kinda song, leaning more towards grunge. The dashes are just to show where you kind of separate the syllables of the word.

Control,
the add-iction.
These, words,
are not fict-ion.

It's not imp-oss-ab-le,
with self-control.

When,
will you lis-ten,
cuz there's,
somethin you are miss-in'.

It's passing through your ears,
yet you don't hear.


Why do you assume,
while I sit hear in my room,
I'm just building my own tomb,
this afternoon.

Why do you assume,
while I sit hear in my room,
I'm just adding to my doom,
each afternoon.

You, think,
I'm a vic-tim,
and,
yet my only symptom.

Is I do tend to obsess,
this I confess.

But,
what's wrong with me,
If I,
just wanna be happy.

Does it really make me sick,
to laugh a bit.

Why do you assume,
while I sit hear in my room,
I'm just building my own tomb,
this afternoon.

Why do you assume,
while I sit hear in my room,
I'm just adding to my doom,
each afternoon.


If I actually use this song, I'll probably have a solo or bridge, then repeat the chorus, or a verse then the chorus.
#2
Well, as a punk song it has the flow and standard subject matter. Grunge? Not sure.
If I may suggest a fix, lose "doom" and all uses of it. It's one of those words that can be tricky to make right and here it just comes off as a weak point. Repetition was usedly properly for the genre specified. Nice fun little song, has potential.
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#3
Quote by Brandon860
Well, as a punk song it has the flow and standard subject matter. Grunge? Not sure.
If I may suggest a fix, lose "doom" and all uses of it. It's one of those words that can be tricky to make right and here it just comes off as a weak point. Repetition was usedly properly for the genre specified. Nice fun little song, has potential.

Do you think it will sound better as "causing my own ruin"?
#4
In place of doom? Depends on where you are putting it. Also, ruin doesn't sound very great and if you absolutely had to use it I wouldn't any more than once.
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#5
I dunno, it doesn't seem like a low point to me. I'll have to think about this, and see if I can get anything else that works in there.
#6
Quote by herby190
Crit4Crit. I thought of this on the walk home from school, and I'm finishing this up as I type. It's a punkish kinda song, leaning more towards grunge. The dashes are just to show where you kind of separate the syllables of the word.

Control,
the add-iction.
These, words,
are not fict-ion.

It's not imp-oss-ab-le,
with self-control.
Very relate-able lyrics. I've dealt with addiction, and how it isbeatable with self-control. Nice

When,
will you lis-ten,
cuz there's,
somethin you are miss-in'.

It's passing through your ears,
yet you don't hear.


Why do you assume,
while I sit hear in my room,
I'm just building my own tomb,
this afternoon.

Why do you assume,
while I sit hear in my room,
I'm just adding to my doom,
each afternoon.
Again, very relatable lyrics. Whomever you're speaking to just assumes you're feeding your addiction in all the time you spend up in your room. Good chorus

You, think,
I'm a vic-tim,
and,
yet my only symptom.

Is I do tend to obsess,
this I confess.

But,
what's wrong with me,
If I,
just wanna be happy

Does it really make me sick,
to laugh a bit.
These few stanzas are great. I feel like they're talking about weed, and how people just assume it causes problems when you just use it to feel better. Been there done that.

Why do you assume,
while I sit hear in my room,
I'm just building my own tomb,
this afternoon.

Why do you assume,
while I sit hear in my room,
I'm just adding to my doom,
each afternoon.


If I actually use this song, I'll probably have a solo or bridge, then repeat the chorus, or a verse then the chorus.


I liked what this piece is trying to say, and it deals with a lot of what i've dealt with. I'd probably like it better if I could hear it to music, but otherwise it's pretty good. The choruses probably wouldn't hold up if you were 30 or something, but for a high schooler's song it works.

7.75/10
#7
Thanks. I'm not sure if we're going to use this or not; I think most likely not, because we've left punk, picked up an amazing second guitarist, and are heading more for a metal sound. Still, you never know. This will be a good one to keep in reserve for when we need something.