#1
Almost on the spot, but I like it and hope you will too. It's about instances of entropy and it's inevitability. Enjoy. Feel free to tear it apart.


Untitled II

i.
Drought.

Under graffiti
at the barbed wire;
a black suit, detached eyes
flickering between his clipboard
and an obviously forged green card.
The trunk of a ’76 Chevy rusting,
two sleepless children and four restless mice;
beads of eyes crusted over with wear
far too advanced for their age;
peering out into the night
at the inevitable light of sunrise.

ii.
Hunger.

Under graffiti
at the barbed wire;
his uniform pulls the lever.
The metal drifts into the sky,
where his mouth laughs and the bombs make fire.
His voice told me once that his city
can burn brighter than a Mexican sunset.

iii.
Change.

Sorry sir, I can't let you pass but
Lo siento señor, pero soy el milagro
If you want, I can kill you ahora.
El angel de la vida y justicia
Las fronteras are blurring, señor
Los manos de la verdad
between love and duty
y el mundo esta cayendo
a los castillos del dust.
Soy el futuro.
And trust me, señor,
you don't want to be here
when the fuse
fizzles
out.
Last edited by #1 synth at Dec 4, 2008,
#2
Nice rhyming.

You lost me at the Spanish.

I didn't really favour you're lack of punctuation. It hurt the rhythm of the piece in my eyes. You could use a few extra commas, me thinks, especially with the irregular line length.

Nice ending, maybe. Although I don't think the two stanzas before it really gave much of a romantic setting for the ending. Makes the love/lust thing feel like it was plucked from nowhere, and kinda makes the piece feel only loosely based on something, rather than it dripping with meaning.

And I'm not a fan of the subtitling. But I can let that go, I guess.
#3
Lose the name drop.

I like what I see in my head from this. Lots of orange.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
I like the shape, it's so interesting. I can tell a lot about this poem, and the writer, from the shape.
#6
the "obviously" takes away from the impact of what youre saying and from the general flow of the piece as well.

flickering between his clipboard
and a forged green card


would sound much better, i think.

The spanish part is nice. Looks like even with me sleeping through 4 years of Español back in High School I still managed to retain something...

(check out freeze tag will ya? i'm like never here anymore so do take a look at this one. you owe me. )