#1
I'm moving the old
ball and chain tommorow;

for good, until next week.
When, thinner, and with

a crumpled bag of dirty clothing
tucked underneath my arm,

I'll ask her for a favour.
She'll say yes and smile, offer

to make me a snack/buffet.
Ask me when I lost the weight.

When you left, I'll say.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Dec 4, 2008,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
I'm moving the old
ball and chain tomorrow;
nice concise language. image is clear, reason is clear, goal of the narrator clear so far.

for good, until next week.
good twist, I liked it. Almost like you have something here that you want to change but can't seem to ever bring yourself to truly break the cycle. well done.
When, thinner, and with

a crumpled bag of dirty clothing
tucked underneath my arm,
long winded. you dont need the "thinner." In fact, I would honestly just switch "I'll ask her a favor" with "when... underneath my arm." In my opinion it would read much more straightforward like your first stanza and a half.

I'll ask her for a favour.
She'll say yes and smile, offer

to make me a snack/buffet.
the "say yes" or the "and smile" is redundant and takes away from the image. choose one. I like the rest quite a bit, even the "snack/buffet" though it might read better with just one (even if the effect is lost)
Ask me when I lost the weight.

When you left, I'll say.
I don't like "ask me when I lost the weight" it just seemed too final, like something this person wouldnt ask when it's implied that you see them every week (at least that's the part thats implied, I could easily be wrong here though) I love the ending and the circularness of it was perfect.


good piece my main man.
#3
..

Can't crit, you understand.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
At first the format put me off, but re-reading it, I don't really have a problem any more. Nice, short, and to the point. Pretty clear piece of writing.

#5
wow. I don't know what to say but I want to at least bump this. Really pretty. Again.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
The only thing I didn't like was "snack/buffet". This was very cool/clever/cute. Well written. No real issues, really. Just altogether impressive, my favorite Jammying dude.
#7
your line breaks never fail to astound me.

neither do your ideas, structure, phrasing, or metaphors.

in short, the only thing i can find to complain about is that the title is a smidgen unimaginative. beyond that, nothing wrong. absolutely nothing.
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#8
I really liked this. It made me smile and had a really honest quaintness to it that is usually absent from your work.

Dylan had my thoughts down very well, though. I don't think I would of noticed the small minor things like he did, but I do understand how important those details are to this piece.
That said, I enjoyed the overall sensation derived from it and it's the line breaks are typically excellent.

Your first two lines are the best to me, a fantastic way to open a piece. And, I actually quite like the line, "to make me a snack/buffet.
Ask me when I lost the weight." - It adds a lot of subtle honesty and humanity to it. Lends the piece another dimension that wasn't needed, but didn't really hinder it either.


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