#1
So, if Zach is reading this, the "nice and cute" is currently being beaten to death in a locked room. So have no fear, I'm exploring new territory.

This will probably be the last thing in this "style" I'll have for a bit. I know I owe some people stuff already, so don't worry, I will get back to you.


streetlights are just spotlights
for passion plays I perform.
every night when I walk home.
fear, tension, raw emotion
a nervous soliloquy
narrates the action.
shadows behind brick walls
slink forward for payment,
slide a knife in my stomach
for the change in my pocket.
I play my part
hand over my wallet.
and people still wonder
why I have stagefright
Last edited by rush4life at Dec 4, 2008,
#3

streetlights are just spotlights
for the passion plays I perform.
passion plays sounds a little awkward, it is a nice wording though
every night when I walk home.

fear, tension, raw emotion
a nervous soliloquy
narrates the action.

shadows behind brick walls
slink forward for payment,
slide a knife in my stomach
for the change in my pocket.
good repetition of "in my" and smooth loose rhyme.

I play my part
hand over my wallet.
and people still wonder
why I have stagefright


Excellent ending line and submission in general. "Cute" and quirky and it works.
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#4
This was very good. I though you did a nice job with the execution.

Quote by rush4life



streetlights are just spotlights
for the passion plays I perform.
I love the idea but I don't like the wording here too much. I'd ditch the word 'the'
every night when I walk home.
fear, tension, raw emotion
didn't like 'raw emotion'. I think you could phrase this more interestingly.


rest was pretty smooth.
Very enjoyable
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Park that car
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#5
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are you sure?

cause this zach thinks you need to kill it with fire instead....




I thought this was hilarious.

streetlights are just spotlights
for passion plays I perform.
No period here, actually the next couple lines as well, you're indicating the reader should stop when really these lines go together. It's really just a flow thing, but it bugged me. Postscript: I think you need a "the" either before "streetlights" or "passion plays". Also, wanted to add I really liked the alliteration here. It was effective.
every night when I walk home.
fear, tension, raw emotion
This line felt kind of out of place to me. Just punching me in the chest rather than expressing the thoughts yourself. Saying "I" walk home, it's clearly night -- already gives it a sort of uncertain feeling, as does "nervous" in the next line, while "passion plays" above already expresses a sort of raw emotion -- I guess what I'm saying here is that this line doesn't add anything you haven't already said.
a nervous soliloquy
narrates the action.
I feel like this -- the two lines above -- could probably be removed as well, and give this poem a more taut presentation, and a somewhat stronger punch at the end.
shadows behind brick walls
slink forward for payment,
Could be expressed better.
slide a knife in my stomach
for the change in my pocket.
I play my part
hand over my wallet.
and people still wonder
why I have stagefright
The ending was extremely effective. It tied everything together awesomely. I thought this was great, despite the criticisms I levied above. I do think it would be better if you heeded some of the advice though. Very nice though, you're growing quickly as a writer. I'm impressed.
#6
hey darcy. I loved this a lot. Cory pretty much hit the nail on the head with his critique , I will mostly echo his thoughts.
I thought the imagery especially was very effective.

I will try and get more into details for your next.
#7
Very tightly wound; and much better on content from my perspective. It just shows more control than letting cutesy images drive the writing

The middle came a little loose. Some of the wordings and stuff could ahve been a bit smoother (you're more than capable of knowing where I'm talking about I think). Passion Plays was a bit rough. Loved the alliteration, but seemed a little unnatural in the scene.

I really enjoyed this. Just needs some tidying up in the transitions between thoughts I think.

#8
Thanks all. I will apply the criticisms for my next one, which I'm currently writing. Thanks for all your support.

#9
I think this is overly simplistic. This section I don't really like, at all:

- "streetlights are just spotlights
for passion plays I perform.
every night when I walk home.
fear, tension, raw emotion
a nervous soliloquy
narrates the action."
- Why? Probably because it seems to be too smart when intelligence or creativity is not really asked for here. I don't care about your feelings here because you have crowded them with too much nonsense. This needed to breathe, and then allowed to tighten up, filling your stomach with a big steak and chips dinner. This is just me speaking and my personal tastes, but I didn't feel any "raw emotion" in this at all.

That said, the next section is good stuff and clearly a lot more epic in an office cubical. That's what this needed: Space; and then tight, compact rooms. The first half seems like poetry written by a kid who has just figured out how to use literary devices, then the second half sounds like a man **** scared of the world around him. Even if that was no your aim, that's what I derived from it.
I'm starting to like the odd flow to the second half, although it probably would of worked more in yours and our favours if you wrote this with more 'accuracy' and dependence towards subtle excellence and completion.
Good work.

Digitally Clean
#10
I'm hearing this to a Whiplash sorta style, and i really don't know why lol. not a bad thing though man, i liked it
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25.03.09
#11
Pretty good, and kinda funny, in it's own way. Raw emotion doesn't seem right, maybe change it to "just playing my part" or something like that. That suggestion was just off the top of my head, but whatever. If you want to use this for a song, it seems like it could be used to show cities, just this person as another story that is only shown for a verse or something, but once again, that was just off the top of my head. If you'll C4C, it's in my sig.