#1

Mausoleum

I had a captain on a spiced rum bottle telling me
"what goes around comes around, man
see the way the moon interacts with the tide,
how you can predict at what time the sun will rise,
sarah still loves you and you still love her,
in a year from now you'll find yourself in
the exact same place
in space
even revolution stands for full circle,
how fucked up is that man? it's all the same,
like the way you always write about the sea,
you just fucking love it man, you love it to your core,
it's a part of who you want and need to be but you see
I'm the closest to the sea that you will ever be"


by the time you read this I will be a traveler
in paintings in poetry in your every artistic harakiri
all my ancestors were carters one of them in the milice maybe
today I've had someone trying to explain me what a "winner" is
you are not dead to me, so I shouldn't be dead to anybody
houses in the desert have pointy roofs
sarah sarah
and it smells like death down there
sarah sarah saharah
princess of dried up seas
you are not dead to me
"you are not deaaaad to aaaanyyyyboooodyyyyy"
echoes the captain in a deep deep voice
on and on while drinking itself down
over your dead body in the living room and
the empty bottles by the painted-over kitchen wall
are all crouched like tiny Taj Mahal's leaning back and forth,
whispering ;
"Iamnotamausoleum, Iamcelebration,
iamnotamausoleum..."

sarah sarah
you are not dead to me.
Last edited by circular.parade at Dec 11, 2008,
#3
on and on while drinking itself down
over your dead body in the living room and
the empty bottles by the painted-over kitchen wall
are all crouched like tiny Taj Mahal's leaning back and forth,
whispering ;
"Iamnotamausoleum, Iamcelebration,
iamnotamausoleum..."
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Quote by circular.parade

I had a captain on a spiced rum bottle telling me
"what goes around comes around, man
Sarah still loves you and you still love her, it's like
how the waves roll off a concrete wall by the port,
the way the moon interacts with the tide,
in a year from now you'll be in the exact same place
even revolution means full circle, it's all the same,
like the way you always write about the sea,
you just fucking love it man, you love it to your core,
it's a part of who you want and need to be but you see
I'm the closest to the sea that you will ever be"


by the time you read this I will be a traveler
in paintings in poetry in your every artistic harakiri
all my ancestors were carters one of them in the milice maybe
today I've had someone trying to explain me what a "winner" is
you are not dead to me, so I shouldn't be dead to anybody
houses in the desert have pointy roofs
and it smells like death down there
sarah sarah
you are not dead to me
"you are not deaaaad to anyyyybodyyyyy"
echoes the captain in a deep deep voice
on and on while drinking itself down
over your dead body in the living room and
the empty bottles by the painted-over kitchen wall
are all crouched like tiny Taj Mahal's leaning back and forth,
whispering ;
"Iamnotamausoleum, Iamcelebration,
iamnotamausoleum..."

sarah sarah
you are not dead to me.


I have to say this wasn't my favourite from you, Matty boy.

It felt slightly unfocused, maybe to uncalculated. Or maybe i just didn't catch it.

I felt the first stanza rambled, even if it was supposed to come across like that, but I felt it didn't move me and, for me, feel like really immpressive writing tbh. It kinda was just there, in order for the piece to move on.

The second stanza was a little more itneresting, content-wise, until you referenced back to the first. I'm not one for endings like that though.

I think this is more of what -the -reader likes. It's obvious reading it that you're emotion's there and all, and I know you have technique so I'm not going to comment on the branching out sort of thing here. But for me this wasn't too much my style.

which kinda makes this a lame sort of comment then, eh?

G'day to ya, Mat
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
Font/size.

Douche


Quote by bassbeat77
+1


deal with it, bitches . Thanks darcy, and cory I guess, that was positive, right?

Jamie, I might write more like this, it really felt good letting it out like that. I will probably hate this after a night of sleep and feel you then. Too bad it wasn't your cup of tea, I'll try and make it a little less "branched out" I guess, while keeping it how I want it. And I thought my writing was always obvious, anyway. Thanks again.
#8
Matty what's up buddy? good stuff man I wish I had more constructive stuff, there's definitely some things you can work on but there's also a lot of great stuff in there, maybe I'll be able to go a little more in-depth later...
No Recent Activity
#9
I enjoyed the first verse, quite a bit, and I even believe it would outperform the whole piece on it's lonesome. Although, it would take away from the original plan you have for the piece, but I don't care, really.
Your second verse is just rambling and feels totally disconnected from the first one. There are only a few related points that I can find that have aimed accurately or decided on something and stuck with it till the end. And that, unfortunately, disorientates me overtly so. There has been too many ocean images recently - that I have read, anyway - and, even though you are undirectly making a sarcastic comment about that revolving theme, I still think it doesn't quite make for good reading. The first verse doing that on it's own is great, but not in this amount.
I do love the idea and theme you have in the piece, but the second verse detracts from the first one and slightly ruins the theme. That said, I like the last section:

- "the empty bottles by the painted-over kitchen wall
are all crouched like tiny Taj Mahal's leaning back and forth,
whispering ;
"Iamnotamausoleum, Iamcelebration,
iamnotamausoleum..."
sarah sarah
you are not dead to me."


Digitally Clean
#10
Dan, the comment about the sea wasn't sarcastic. I can understand why it would keep you from enjoying the piece, I guess.

So I didn't want to touch this up too much because it came out in such a natural way, but I edited the first stanza quite a bit and added a few things to the second one. I like the voice a little better now. Tell me what you think? Comments will all be returned (jamie, dan, I'm coming up)

Dereck, I moved to Montreal, not going all that well since then but still enjoying life as much as I can (afford to). I love the place, the room mates... I'm looking to get in university in Film prod but it ain't easy. (30 places for 410= appliances, yearly). What about you? What's going on in your life right now?
#11
I've re-read this over and over now - after noticing the mention of alterations - and I am really starting to enjoy it more and more. It has such an individual and unqiue method to the writing that it's very hard to really become accustomed to in the time that life gives us. Like I said, though, I put a little more effort into it and it paid off.

I take back most of my words.
#12
It became too rambly for my liking after
you are not dead to me, so I shouldn't be dead to anybody

I liked what you were saying, but I couldn't take it in properly. Too many words, too floaty.

I loved everything before that line. The timing of the rhythm change just didn't really work in my mind.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Quote by DigUpHerBones
It became too rambly for my liking after

I liked what you were saying, but I couldn't take it in properly. Too many words, too floaty.

I loved everything before that line. The timing of the rhythm change just didn't really work in my mind.


I understand, Katherine. Thanks for the words.

And Dan, lol, thanks.
#15
alright I lost track of who I got back to and not. Links would be appreciated if I didn't.

Thanks. Something new coming soon, probably.
#16
Ranty. Read like a vent... is this a vent? Nothing really bad to say except the intro verse kinda dragged for me, but that didn't make it uninteresting. Like the last few lines of that section. Witty.

by the time you read this I will be a traveler
in paintings in poetry in your every artistic harakiri

Particularly rang in my mind as brilliant. Dun ask me why. Have a nice day.