#1
This started as a song. Now it's not really, anymore.

GMJALMT,AOLWSG

Somewhere east of the mediterranean
We saw the stars for the first time in weeks
she could barely breathe
I could scarcely see

Africa.

Toes dipped in the sea on the southern cusp of Spain.
Maybe I can swim.
Or Maybe I can drown, but maybe we'll get there together
Like deer breaking the edge of a soft field hanging high in the mountains
Like her breaking the cold air wall as she walks out my front door
Exposed, let down, ears perked, no sound

Maybe there's hope
that we'll be singing and dancing beneath the lighthouse
above the pieces of atlas's rock
protecting our own little ocean
and the people will come out
and the bells will be so loud
and the stars will be all there
and the sun will be all but down

but seriously now

remember when we took turns pushing each other on the swings
at the park after school even though we knew we were too old to belong there
remember when you sat on the stairs with me after everyone had left so I wouldn't be alone
but maybe things still aren't the way they almost were
when we painted almost pictures together, almost picturesque, almost the best we ever had
we almost belong together

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#2
I enjoyed this immensely. I feel like I'm just kissing ass tonight, but seriously man, I loved it.

What's with the title though?
#3
Give me just a little more time, and our love will surely grow. I didn't like it as a title written out all the way haha. I act on whims, sometimes.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Dec 4, 2008,
#5
i'm blackdotting this. Be back when my head doesn'tf eel like Thor used it for target practice
#6
The 'almost' in the last line makes me sad
idunnowhy :'(
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#7
I really enjoyed this piece, very well written... great imagery, and I love how (in my own inner dialogue anyway...) the pace of it starts slow and picks up as it goes on... Reminded me of Idlewild or Death Cab For Cutie as far as lyrics are concerned. And if that offends you in anyway I apologize, I like both of them for exactly that, they've got good lyrics.

Anyway C4C if you'd like any of the songs in my signature
#8
I didn't really connect with this one. I'll come back and see how it makes me feel on another occasion.
#9
Quote by jiminizzle
This started as a song. Now it's not really, anymore.

GMJALMT,AOLWSG

Somewhere east of the mediterranean
We saw the stars for the first time in weeks
she could barely breathe
I could scarcely see

this whole first stanza did absolutely nothing for me. Apart from creating a ncie image, there's nothing here

Africa.

Toes dipped in the sea on the southern cusp of Spain.
Maybe I can swim.
Or Maybe I can drown, but maybe we'll get there together
Like deer breaking the edge of a soft field hanging high in the mountains
Like her breaking the cold air wall as she walks out my front door
Exposed, let down, ears perked, no sound

I really like the repeat of "maybe" in this stanza, works really well. This is tons better than the beginning, really nice to read. I'm starting to get into this. The last line is fantastic

Maybe there's hope
that we'll be singing and dancing beneath the lighthouse
above the pieces of atlas's rock
protecting our own little ocean
and the people will come out
and the bells will be so loud
and the stars will be all there
and the sun will be all but down

No complaints for this one at all

but seriously now

remember when we took turns pushing each other on the swings
at the park after school even though we knew we were too old to belong there
remember when you sat on the stairs with me after everyone had left so I wouldn't be alone
but maybe things still aren't the way they almost were
when we painted almost pictures together, almost picturesque, almost the best we ever had
we almost belong together

well, you managed to get me in cause the ending was just beautiful. Beatutiful. No complaints. Love the repetition of "almost"



Well, this started off OK, and ended with a bang. I didn't like this as much as some of your other peices, but it was still very good
#10
I like the imagery in the first few section of the piece, but was a little disappointed when you switched out of the motif in the last part. Didn't work well for me. I usually don't like it, but the repitition actually worked for me in this piece. The ending is alright... not really much to say about it. Kinda ho-hum for me. Hope this was contructive, have a nice day.
#11
thanks everyone.

thanks kdownes. I think you're right about the opening but I'll think about it. I kind of like it.

Hey kunvulshuns thanks for your thoughts. I just kind of went off of what I had from the song and pretty much did it on the spot, stream of conciousness so that "twist" just kind of happened. I suppose if I work on this later I'd take that into consideration and maybe develop it less as just my emotions coming out and more as a poem. I'm not sure yet. Thanks a lot.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#12
Troy (I believe that is kunvulshuns name) explained my thoughts really well. It's the last stanza that detracts from the rest of it. It's not a bad verse, at all, but it doesn't fit the rest of the piece, if you ask me. But, like you say, you were just expressing various different streams of your thoughts and this is the way it came out. Too convoluted...

Sorry I don't have anything else to say.