#1
Wrote this late last night.
It kind of freaked me out for a few reasons:
1) I was in a really ****ty mood, but the song is really optimistic.
2) The lyrics came with a tune. Not just a tune, but drums, bass, guitar, keyboard, EVERYTHING. All at once.
3) It was a SONG

Well anyway, here it is

Crossing.

[verse 1]

Just keep smiling
and you'll make it through
and I'll come with you
If you ask me to

I can end this all
with a flick of my wrist
and we won't be missed
because we don't exist

[break]

We are nowhere
we are no one
we have nothing
we are not here

[verse 2]

Don't look down
or you might not fall
see, the world is kneeling
at our beck and call

we can rule this land
just the none of us
hide our nothingness
in the sage and brush

[pre-chorus]

we can

[chorus]

paint the town transparency and keep it all in view
an end to dirty secrets and a start to something new
illuminate the deepest darkest corners of the world
because we are nowhere

cherish all the honesty of peoples far and wide
everyone is empty and there's nothing left to hide
nothing left to covet, kill for, nothing left to want
because we have nothing

[outro]

we are nowhere
we are no one
we have nothing
we are nothing
this is nowhere
there is no one
there is nothing
we are nothing
here
#2
to be honest, I really liked this. I can picture it as a song. It's simple but nicely done.

"we can rule this land
just the none of us
hide our nothingness
in the sage and brush"

I thought this stanza was a little too cliche and wasn't very good. I think you want to avoid the triteness.

My only real suggestion would be to think about ways you could develop it a little more than just a song about a little idea. You could work on making it more tangible, you know? But as a song, I think this could work out. It's just, standing alone, without music, it's a little thin.

hope this helped a bit
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
Overall I thought this was excellent. The rhymes were simple and yet very effective. I particularly thought the outro part was great. I cant really think of too much you should change. Great work.
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Rythem Guitar/Singer-Smoke Patterns
www.myspace.com/smokepatterns

Quote by its irrelevant
I think you should go to the Amazon, cut down a tree and make one guitar out of it, then burn the rest.

Spiting Al Gore FTW
#4
Quote by SpiritOfRadio11
Overall I thought this was excellent. The rhymes were simple and yet very effective. I particularly thought the outro part was great. I cant really think of too much you should change. Great work.


Agreed. =]
KatehMonster
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