#1
Belief...

At the end of the day, the world has changed.
We desire fate like we aren’t already living it
and what do we have to show for ourselves?
Greed, poverty, fame and debauchery.
Love, hate, and imbalanced economies.
I saw the future in a dream, oh, more than once,
clouded with life, and worse, a reality.
I saw the past in a diary, written for laughs,
implying that the present is a falsification
of the delicate equilibrium we blindly believe in.
There is no time, there is only life,
and our history no longer exists.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Dec 5, 2008,
#2
Well this isn't as moving as some of your stuff, but the writing flowed well and the ideas were sound. I really enjoyed reading this. It made me smile. That's all I really have to say.
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#5
Quote by BluePaintCult
Belief...

At the end of the day, the world has changed.
We desire fate like we aren’t already living it
and what do we have to show for ourselves?
Greed, poverty, fame and debauchery.
Love, hate, and imbalanced economies.
I saw the future in a dream, oh, more than once,
clouded with life, and worse, a reality.
I saw the past in a diary, written for laughs,
implying that the present is a falsification
of the delicate equilibrium we blindly believe in.
There is no time, there is only life,
and our history no longer exists.


With a title 'Belief' and a line that reads "the world has changed" this seems very John Mayer.

It has some nice words, 'imbalanced, equilibrium, falsification, delicate, greed, poverty, fate, clouded, history, debauchery'

However, maybe it is too complex ? and has too much going on.

"At the end of the day" this is tacky and I would change it to something less cliche. This line is what I expect to hear on 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' or 'Jerry Springer Show' with commoners and uneducated people protesting their innocents of adultery, or neglect of an abandoned child and drug addiction.

I would avoid the "oh" in written texts. I personally think it emphasizes emotion and momentum sang but not written, because it becomes a connotation rather than the denotation of the language which is written in english.

The structure and use of commas in the beginning makes this piece seem a rap or a rant ? With a question and then a list of answers broken with commas.

If I take the first line and the second line it reads -

"At the end of the day, the world has changed / and our history no longer exists"

I think would work well as an ending. But try something different rather "the world has changed". Maybe ask why it has changed rather than telling us it has changed before reason.
#6
Quote by BluePaintCult
Belief...

At the end of the day, the world has changed.
We desire fate like we aren’t already living it
and what do we have to show for ourselves?
Greed, poverty, fame and debauchery.
Love, hate, and imbalanced economies.

The first line didn't make an impressive entry, it was enough to keep me (or the reader) interested to see as to why the world has changed.....The rest of it shows how people are and I like the rhyme emphasizing human flaw and expressing the hardships that's getting ready to occur...

I saw the future in a dream, oh, more than once,
clouded with life, and worse, a reality.
I saw the past in a diary, written for laughs,
implying that the present is a falsification
of the delicate equilibrium we blindly believe in.
There is no time, there is only life,
and our history no longer exists.

I like the way how you varied the present tense by seeing the future and reading the past of how time is only man made thing........


This was a good read.......I like short stuff

The flow was good and well written......decent use of vocab and an idea that one writes so little about.....
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#7
I don't know, I always like your stuff. That's why I figured I might as well post and at least say that. The reason I think this didnt work that well for me is that it just came across as just dribbling off cool sounding, well worded ideas without any feeling. there's nothing to grab onto. I'm not saying there isn't anything to this, I think there was, it's just the presentation is just more like dribbling off than something interesting to read. Hopefully that makes sense. I liked it but that's me trying to put into words what put me off a little bit about this. Hopefully that's a little bit constructive
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
awesome buddy, good stuff, reading your writing brings a certain sense of nostalgia- in a good way
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#9
Quote by BluePaintCult
Belief...

At the end of the day, the world has changed.

Hrm, not the strongest way to open the piece IMO. Mainly because - uh oh, here it comes - it's a cliche. I think that you can do without it, honestly.

We desire fate like we aren’t already living it
and what do we have to show for ourselves?
Greed, poverty, fame and debauchery.
Love, hate, and imbalanced economies.

Hrm, reads like a rant - but an interesting and well flowing rant. I also like the little rhyme there. Spices it up a bit... melikes spicy.

I saw the future in a dream, oh, more than once,
clouded with life, and worse, a reality.
I saw the past in a diary, written for laughs,
implying that the present is a falsification
of the delicate equilibrium we blindly believe in.

Hrm, dun think that the "oh" reads well here. Well, READS... spoken yes, read no.

After reading this bit I'm left wondering -what- is the reality you saw? Maybe expand on this IMO.



There is no time, there is only life,
and our history no longer exists.

Melikes... cleverness.


All in all I think it was a great short read. Some few kinks here and there for me, but great.

Some of the thoughts could be expanded a bit IMO.

Hopefully this is constructive... and hopefully you give my piece (Revival: A Memory Once Lost) a peek if it pleases you.
#10
I read this a couple times, and after seeing your comment about wanting something constructive, I've thought of how to express what I felt about this into something constructive, so here goes:

Writing-wise, there's nothing really wrong with this, or with anything you write. It's technically sound, without much attempt to be so. You've been at this long enough that you've developed this cool, smooth style and I really dig it.

But content-wise, this didn't strike me at all. It's something I've heard before, without an interesting twist. The only thing that I noticed here that I couldn't have found elsewhere is that you gave it a certain "newsworthiness" -- a relevance for the time, by bringing the imbalanced economy into it. However, it seemed nothing more than pedantic spouting on a belief of yours, and a somewhat common one, than anything particularly poetic.

That's not to say I didn't enjoy it, because I did. I just think if you would've presented the same idea within a narrative, or in the scope of some more fleshed out situation, it would've hit closer to home than a simple espousing of a thought of yours would and did.

Of course, it's your prerogative to write about what you want, but I'm just saying, I, as a longtime fan of your work, hope and expect to read more thematically impressive stuff when I see your username next to a thread.

Mad love, bro.