#1
c4c.


Matters had just become urgent.

"Sure, you can come over. Bring some beer.
I'm kinda horny, by the way."
Click.

Car. Drive. Sammie's Fuel Station.
On my way out from buying the beer,
a gentleman held the door for me as
he was screaming into his cellphone.
"I know! I know! I'm on my way.
Shut up bitch, I'm trying."
Click.

He turned around and followed me.
Nice leather jacket on him,
but a couple of scars on his face that told
me to lock the door.
He rapped his knuckles on my window.

"Man, I've been driving all day. From the tip of Michigan,
I'm headed to Mississippi. My momma had a heart attack.
I'm running on fumes. I'll pay ya back if you give me an address."
Told him not to worry, I was about to get laid;
he'd caught me in a good mood.
Gave him ten bucks.
Hand shake. Reassurance of his gratitude. Pivot.

"Now that I've already given it to you;
were you bullshitting me?"

I'd never seen a grown man cry outside a funeral.
#2
wow. When I started reading this, i was thinking "Yep, typical Zach piece." You presented a really fast paced story, hit us with a few characters without saying much, and suddenly BAM emotion. I was shoked, the ending was jsut beautiful. Well done. Only complaint is that we don't get a connection to the other two characters. It would've been nice to have some information about the girl and "you".
#3
I really liked the narration here. Same goes for the development of the man, especially considering how short of a time we get to know him, he sure has a lot of depth. This is good. One thing I don't really like is the last line, simply because I don't feel like it's completely necessary, like if it wasn't there, I wouldn't miss it, you know?

Other than that, I enjoyed it, and I liked the attitude here. I've always wanted to ask a guy who wants money from me if he's telling the truth or not...
#6
This was pretty awesome. The urgency you'd expect from someone about to get laid is conveyed well by your short, snappy sentences. It was real. I liked that.

As it continues into the story about the man outside the gas station, I got more attached to it as I've had a similar situation happen to me. You portrayed it well up until the last stanza in my opinion. In the final stanza, I don't think both of those sentences are necessary; I feel "I'd never see a grown man cry outside a funeral." would be the strongest ending, though cutting the first two lines in the final stanza and leaving the last two would be stronger than it is currently. I feel the "leather jacket" line is just punching your reader in the mouth, almost annoyingly so.

That's really my only complaint about this though. It was largely beautiful.

^ probably the only time I've ever put "large" and "beautiful" in the same sentence/thought.
#8
holy crap, the ending scared me. in a good way. a very good way indeed. i've never been that shocked by any sort of poetry or music before.

man, i feel sorry for the guy now... you bastard. x_X
⚑⚑⚑⚑⚑
#9
I had this funny feeling last night, just before I feel asleep. I really wanted to read something from Zach, I thought. And I had this optimism about myself concerning the next day and seeing whether you've posted anything. I thought, I hope it's unique. I hope it's pretty. I hope it's scary... I was like, sooooooooooooooo not let down. I think this is the best piece you have done in a long time. I'm giddy, you have made me feel extra special again, like I felt when I first came here and started reading your work.

Thanks. *Bookmarked*

Digitally Clean
#10
"Now that I've already given it to you;
were you bull****ting me?"

Awesome, man.

You're on a winning streak.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
whoa. nice. i can only re itterate what other people have already said so i wont waste words and just say, amazing.
#12
Hmm, wish I could say the same as these guys but to me it lacked any kind of real power and to me it seemed (no offense) cheesy begining with the title "Fuel Station". I think you should always avoid starting sentances with "Man" like in the sentance "Man, I've been driving all day" and also adding unrealistic tones to it, for example "Told him not to worry, I was about to get laid" I mean whats that about.

Basically forget that paragraph above because its a poor atempt at humour, I loved it, keep 'em coming dude!!!
#13
Hate the new ending, the old one was more real. There's the word for this poem; real. Loved it, ignoring the new ending.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#17
It hits harder, but it's not as lasting. We already know what happens with the first ending. I vote first.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#19
I don't believe in forcing someone to change something when they have feelings for it. But, my opinion is I prefer the old one. It's more pressure on the nuts.
#21
oh no, I really liked this ****, best thing you've posted I think. you've really found your voice and it's awesome.

I just hated the new ending

edit: did you want "many" in the last line or "man"?
#27
Hooray, rejoice.

Also, you should be ashamed. Stick to your beliefs man.

You're like a Christian who got taught about evolution and then just completely abandoned his ideals because some f*ckers on the internet told him to.

Grow a pair, you lovely little woman.
#30
I dig this. A nice little story that keeped me intrigued from start to finish. The fact that it's true makes it that much better.

And I actually like the ending...though you asking "were you bulsh*tting me" kinda made me think you're a prick. not in a bad way though...i'd probably ask the same thing. and yeah, the fact that he cries makes it all too real. did he REALLY cry?

(freeze tag, please)
#32
I like it.
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#33
Compromise, change it back to the "I've never held a grown man while he was crying.." bit. Without tying the funeral part in to his mother's death, which it isn't, it comes out of nowhere and has nowhere near the same impact.

and also, balls.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.