#1
theres so many ways to do it
but im intelligent
and can be more than a chair tipper
throat cutter
bad big brother
hate everyone including my mother

so this hose fits snug on my tailpipe
the car isn't that nice
it belongs in an evidence drawer
collecting dust
like the gun that begged to smoke
but i was never sure.

comforter, pleasure pusher
slept till ten
and she was skeptical
as to why i wanted to live
out of a soup tin.

bounced like a rock
all the way through my education
then i felt like a pebble in a shoe
thought of a hundred and one ways,
but never got around to...

the word quit sits on my toungue
like a pain reliever ever strong
back tension, statistic prevention
doctors note to stumble along.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Dec 5, 2008,
#2
wow, i think this is the first of yours i've read with a great rhyming scheme. This piece really breathes, which is great. my only complaint i can find is that there's a typo (shock, horror!). You've got "as to why i wanted live" - should be "as to why i wanted TO live". Apart from that, I loved it.
#3
the rhyme and flow of this piece is definitely something to be proud of. one part i wasn't too fond of was the last line of the first stanza. not that that line was sh.it or anything just that the rhyming there seemed to go on too long and that was the line that seemed to turn it into almost a bad rap or something idk. i really enjoyed the rest of this though, maybe my favorite from you.


if you have time.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1013446
#4
I reckon there are too many rhymes and rhythms going on here. Alex says something about this breathing, but I feel it's constricted. It flows effortlessly, and therefore has consistency, and therefore has an open ended feel to it. But, at the same time, the balance was not quite properly refined between allowing the flow to clear the path and allowing the flow to break the path and force the reader to fix it. I just kinda flew through it a little carelessly, to be honest. There wasn't a meaty junk in sight, something that would stumble for a second and beckon me to alter the mood or reading method.
This is too good. It felt like a desert; flat with no cracks to fill with concrete at your own discretion.

I still thought it was good writing, nonetheless.

Digitally Clean
#5
I reckon there are too many rhymes and rhythms going on here. Alex says something about this breathing, but I feel it's constricted. It flows effortlessly, and therefore has consistency, and therefore has an open ended feel to it. But, at the same time, the balance was not quite properly refined between allowing the flow to clear the path and allowing the flow to break the path and force the reader to fix it. I just kinda flew through it a little carelessly, to be honest. There wasn't a meaty junk in sight, something that would stumble me for a second and beckon me to alter the mood or reading method.
This is too good. It felt like a desert; flat with no cracks to fill with concrete at your own discretion.

I still thought it was good writing, nonetheless.

Digitally Clean