#1
I sloshed around in the shallows,
searching for a genie in a bottle
of spiced rum -- I didn't find anything
but a looking glass. Aye,
we set out for treasure, "I c-c-can
drive," I said. The waves
were rough, but we kept the ship
straight, and staring at my reflection
in the windshield, I prayed
we'd avoid blue and red lights
tonight. I bumped a car as I pulled into
a parking spot, so I pulled
into a different parking spot,
stepped out and felt the sand
in between my toes, as I stared
at the girls through my bottle
telescope. It's too ****ing cold
to stay outside, so we followed
some buoys to a bar, and I found
a wasted girl, with x's drawn
on her hands, and exclaimed,
"I found gold!" We exchanged
pleasantries to the beat, "I'm
twe-twe-twenty years old," and
we whisked away, with a cup of
whiskey in my right hand, and
her elbow in my left. I put my
head on her chest, and I swore
I heard the ocean there on that
dance floor. But a tidal wave,
came and swept her away,
and I caught a beer, and I caught
a glimpse of my first mate, but
I don't think that I ever
caught her name, and that's okay,
it wouldn't have been as pretty as yours,
anyways.
#2
"and I caught
a glimpse of my first mate, but
I don't think that I ever
caught her name, and that's okay,
it wouldn't have been as pretty as yours,
anyways."

Damn, this was good.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
lol

I liked this man. I relate to it, a lot of the themes you are exploiting are reminiscent of my recent reflexions/stuff I wrote .

It was good, not your best. "But a tidal wave(...)" I didn't like that as much. Like, it was just there for the sake of the plot without adding much. you can spice it up a bit.

thanks for that read
mat
#4
Corey, I saw your name and I had to stop by the thread, I really like some parts of this, you can do better but it's just good to read something from you. I really suck at giving crits now man, hope you understand.
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#5
But a tidal wave,
came and swept her away,
and I caught a beer, and I caught
a glimpse of my first mate, but
I don't think that I ever
caught her name, and that's okay,
it wouldn't have been as pretty as yours,
anyways.

Sick.

Good stuff sir, but I had to read this without the way you chopped it up.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Loved the flow and how it was all put together, ma man.

The whisk/whisky was awful, lol.

And technically, no it wasn't amazing, but it had a rhythm that I dug.

N'ahwhatahmean?
#8
Thanks guys. This was somewhat of an exercise into shifting back to a style I used to enjoy writing: flow of consciousness focusing mainly on wordplay and internal rhymes. I realize that it's not exactly the most impressive poetry, but I enjoyed writing it. Maybe I'll rap it.


freshtunes, much love, dude.

Mat, thanks! I thought that part was important to add in, because as the title might imply, this is basically about how I've been spending my weekends -- meeting girls, but not giving a rats ass about any of them. Secretly hoping to find someone with meaning. I haven't spent a weekend alone in months but goddamn its lonely. You know?

Derek, I understand completely. I'm just glad to see you're here and writing again. I missed ya. I read your most recent one and I'll comment on it at some point later today, just been really busy.

Cory, yeah, I realize the linebreaks are pretty harsh, but it was mostly intentional, signifying a drunk's stream of consciousness -- if you could call it consciousness. Love ya.

Blakeypoo, haha thanks! What I said to CFA earlier applies to you as well, I'm glad to see you around again.

Jamie, thanks brah. I feel ya. I liked "whisked" and "whiskey" though, so f u. Don't hate the player, hate the game broseph.


lol.
#9
You sir, are a douchebag for being a great writer...

Love it, nothing bad to say other than your a Douchebag.

Great concept, I like how it flows between the two worlds... like water... which compliments the imagery perfectly IMO.

Keep writing like this and I might have to promote you to SERGEANT douchebag.

There's you're crit douchebag. Hahaha. Good stuff!
#10
wowwowwow this was fantastic. I could picture you doing this but it was just vague enough to make me picture myself doing it also. Loved it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me